The Beginner’s Guide to Accepting Criticism

Photo by Artem Kovalev

How do you deal with criticism? I think the first reaction for most of us is to defend ourselves, or worse yet to lash back.

And yet, while criticism can be taken as hurtful and demoralizing, it can also be viewed in a positive way: it is honesty, and it can spur us to do better. It’s an opportunity to improve.

Some time ago, I worked on a research project with a small group of co-workers. There were roughly seven of us who worked together on a daily basis. For the most part, we all got along well. There weren’t any major personality or professional issues.

Within the group there were two project managers, one of which I got along with really well. This project manager (PM) and I had (what I would refer to as) good chemistry: similar views and similar work habits. I liked working with him. He was also the manager with whom I would have my annual performance evaluation.

On the morning of the evaluation, the (good chemistry) project manager, the primary project investigator and I sat in the office meeting room. The PM would explain how I was evaluated in the performance of my duties. Although this PM would deliver the evaluation, the secondary project manager also had input which was (of course) included in the overall evaluation.

15 minutes into the meeting, the evaluation was going quite well. My performance consistently rated ‘Exceed Expectations.’ Then, the PM arrived at the ‘Taking Direction’ category and I noticed a change in his tone.

It got serious.

And like a perfectly timed clock, the door to the meeting room opened. The secondary project manager walked into the meeting room and sat down at the table. She was a slightly younger graduate student. She was the project manager and budgetary supervisor on the secondary project which corresponded with our main project.

As the budget technician for both the main and secondary project, I worked with her on project budgetary items. For the most part, she and I got along well. However, when we held meetings between the two of us, we conducted business in a polite but relatively cold manner.

Without having had a verbal discrepancy or disagreement, it was clear, on a rather quiet level, there was distance between us. When she made requests, I often responded with doing only what I was asked and nothing more. During office social events, our conversations were routinely forced and guarded.

We rarely sat at the same table for lunch.

The (good chemistry) PM said, “It has been noted there is resistance on your part with taking direction. This is an area that needs improvement.”

I looked away from him across the table at the secondary project manager. She looked at me.

Neither of us smiled.

1. Stop Your First Reaction
If your first reaction is to lash back at the person giving the criticism, or to become defensive, take a minute before reacting at all. Take a deep breath, and give it a little thought.

Personally, my initial reaction to criticism is normally to feel tense. However, I have also taught myself not to react right away. For example, I’ll let a critical statement sit in the “atmosphere” for a while before I respond. Or, if possible, I’ll spend time away from someone instead of saying something I’ll regret later.

That space allows me to give it more thought beyond my initial reaction. It allows logic to step in, past the emotion. I don’t have anything against emotion, but when it’s a negative emotion, sometimes it can cause more harm than good. So I let my emotions run their course, and then respond when I’m calm.

Later that evening, while standing at the kitchen sink washing after dinner dishes, the secondary project manner was still on my mind. Something about her gnawed at me. ‘Why does she irritate me so much? What is it about her?’ I scrubbed the pan, and stood quietly with the warm water running over my hands. Out of nowhere, or perhaps from a residual self-help book memory, a thought seeped through. I looked up and out the window, and stood completely still staring into the backyard at nothing.

‘She is cold and guarded, and so am I.’

Photo by Tim Goedhart

2. Turn a Negative into a Positive
For as long as I live, I will never forget the impact of that single “aha moment”. The revelatory insight was astounding. She was the mirror of internal qualities I disowned and rejected within myself. What you see outside of yourself and dislike in someone else, is an aspect of yourself which you have not embraced within yourself.

The strong emotional response I felt towards her was simultaneously the trigger and the gift. My response let me know exactly what I needed to look at within myself.

3. Thank the Critic
Even if someone is harsh and rude, which neither PM was, thank them. It’s a way of reminding yourself that the criticism was a good thing for you, a way to keep yourself humble.

I was grateful to have the insight of how I was being perceived.

4. Learn from the Criticism
After seeing criticism in a positive light, and thanking the critic, don’t just move on and go back to business as usual. Actually try to improve.

That’s a difficult concept for some people, because they often think that they’re right no matter what. But no one is always right. You, in fact, may be wrong, and the critic may be right. So see if there’s something you can change to make yourself better.

And then make that change. Actually strive to do better.

We all have aspects of ourselves that we want to hide from, be separate from, reject and avoid. These aspects are easy to identify because we judge them and attach negative labels to them. We may label some people around us as: lazy, controlling, demanding, moody, emotionally unavailable, shameful or too aggressive to name a few.

We may label without pause to examine where, when, how and to whom we may exhibit the exact same qualities and behaviors.

5. Be a Better Person
Too many times we take criticism as a personal attack, as an insult to who we are. But it’s not. Well, perhaps sometimes it is, but we don’t have to take it that way. Take it as a criticism of your actions, not your person. If you do that, you can detach yourself from the emotional aspect of criticism and determine what can be done.

Unfortunately, the way many of us handle the criticisms that we see as personal attacks is by attacking back. “I’m not going to let someone talk to me that way.” Especially if this criticism is made in public. You have to defend yourself, and attack the attacker … right?

Wrong. By attacking the “attacker,” you move to a lower level. Even if the person was mean or rude, you don’t have to be the same way.

You can choose to be a better person.

If you can rise above what you consider an insult or attack, and respond in a calm manner, you can properly reflect on the criticism. You can determine if there is merit to the criticism, or if it’s simply a petty attack.

How do you use the criticism to be a better person?

By removing yourself from the criticism, and looking only at the actions criticized. By looking for the positive in the criticism, and trying to improve. By thanking the critic. And by responding with a positive attitude that can help you learn something about yourself.

You can “stay open to hearing a message that may be of value, to gain insight into what others see, which may be very different from your own perspective.”

With acceptance and grace, you can use all of it as an opportunity to improve.