Does Your Child Know Your Voice?

It took a couple of years for my son to know my voice. I am not talking about what my voice sounded like or the different tones and inflections. I am talking about knowing in an intimate way. Knowing in a way that elicits belonging and comfort and clarity.

When a child comes into our family either through foster care or adoption, probably many people served as care takers in their life. The more care takers the more they get used to calling many people “mommy” and “daddy”. The term loses its endearment and sense of connection.

What it looks like to know our father’s voice.

When I was a young boy back when parents let their children roam the neighborhood, I can remember hearing my father whistle to let me know it was time to come home. When I heard that whistle, sometimes from a few blocks away and faint, I knew it was his “voice”. I knew that it was my father calling for his son.

I love the analogy God uses in the Bible to describe His relationship with his children. He refers to Himself as a shepherd. This term is used many times throughout the New Testament, and He says that His children know His voice like sheep know their shepherds voice. I have heard it explained that shepherds often kept their sheep together with other shepherds flocks. When a shepherd wanted to bring their sheep out of the pen or a larger herd, they simply called for their sheep. Because the sheep knew the voice of their shepherd, they came running.

Does your foster or adopted child know who you are?

Before my son learned my voice, he often interacted with other men as if they were his daddy. I once watched him climb up in the lap of another man, a complete stranger, at a playground in a local mall. Can you imagine the look on that man’s face? More than once my son tried to go home with other families just because he had fun playing with their kids at a park or party. I kept reminding him that “I was his daddy”, and that he went home with me.

Recently I watched the young adopted son of a friend repeatedly ask to be held by “mommy”. Perfectly normal, except this woman, another friend of the family was not his mother. But to that child, she was just as much mommy to him as his adopted mommy is.

We can fool ourselves into thinking that when our child who came to us through foster care or adoption calls us mommy and daddy that they feel connected to us. In reality, it is just a natural term used by a child for someone that regularly takes care of them. The real test of how connected they are to us is how well they know our voice.

When a child knows our voice they develop a sense of belonging and identity. This is also important for a foster child even if they are with your family only a short time. It will help them connect and attach when they hopefully have a forever family and later in life with significant relationships.

How can we help our child know our voice?

Spend time together. I don’t mean just being around them. I mean the kind of time where you enter their world letting them know that you notice them and you want to know them.
Communicate with compassion and consistency. Tell them over and over who you are, and that you are there for them. Resist feeling rejected or misunderstood. Instead compassionately remind them that you are their mommy or daddy.
Hold them as much as possible. Whether young or older, your child needs to feel your appropriate touch. They need to feel the comfort of your arms holding them. If they are young, you can easily wrap them up close to your body. But even if they are older, you can hold them while reading a book or watching a movie together. This allows your child to do “full-body” listening.
Don’t take their lack of attachment personally. We easily can allow our child’s lack of attachment to offend us when it has very little to do with us. Our child might test us even to see if we really are there for them. When we can avoid personalizing their “rejection”, they can begin to let the walls of fear down so they can hear and know our voice.
Make eye contact. It is true that the eyes are the window to our soul. You might have to gently work on getting your child to make eye contact with you, but this is a great barometer at how much your child is allowing you to connect with them. Your eyes will communicate much more than just the sound of your voice. Make sure that they say what you want them to say.

I am sure you can add some other ways to this list, can’t you? Please leave a comment below and add your thoughts.