This Abominable Paralysis

I feel like I’m in a holding pattern. No matter what I’m thinking or doing, I can’t seem to muster the energy to write. I have a general structure, plot ideas, and genuine excitement for events that I intend to take place in Book 3, but they won’t leap from my brain to the page. I think and I plot and I plan, but I can’t be bothered to look at a blank page of my book and start typing. It’s like every ounce of vigor, every bit of mojo, has been drained from my body by a phantom vampire, an eldritch fiend with a taste for cleansing a man of his enthusiasm, ambition, and drive.

I don’t get it. I don’t understand my paralysis. I can’t fathom why I’m not writing. Even what I’m sharing with you now is a strain. I’ve become so swallowed up by an incomparable lethargy that it taxes me to do any of the things I want to do – whether evangelism or novel writing. This abominable paralysis doesn’t appear to be a flash in the pan. It has its hooks in me and won’t let go.

I’m praying, obviously. I know if I have nothing else in this life, I can be contented and rest in Christ. I’ve been in worse mental states, especially prior to my rebirth because of Him. It’s just frustrating to not be able to do the one thing you feel called to be doing with your God-given talents.

The day after Easter, I made the following statement on my Facebook page:

Hey. Just want to say that there may not be a blog post today. As much as I feel like I don’t deserve a break, I don’t think I’ll be sharing much in the way of thoughts or evangelizing like usual. Don’t worry, it’s not depression or something to be concerned about. There’s just the feeling that I don’t need to be writing today.

Part of me wonders if I should force myself to put something out, but I don’t think that’d serve the good of anyone. So while I’m not guaranteeing anything in the way of a time frame, rest assured that the blog isn’t ending, I’m not hurting, and there’s more to come.

I’d like to say I’m utilizing this time to write more of Book 3, but that’s a coin for the wishing well. The way’s it’s unfolding, you’d think I’ve become the guy of infinite regressive knots. There exists, currently, 7 chapters and 91 pages. Believe me when I say that I hate the lack of progress more than you do. Neither of the previous books has been this much of a pain to get from my brain to the page.

So, this post will have to suffice. I’m sorry there’s not much interesting to say. I’m especially sorry that I don’t have something from the Bible to discuss at any length. I feel like I’m letting a lot of folks down, but that’s the wrong way to go about writing, isn’t it?

Anyway, sorry for the lengthy rambling. I’ll let you know when there’s something new to read or updates on the Book. Hope you’re having a good Monday and had a great Easter. God bless and peace be with you.

This, sadly, remains true. I’ve written about 130 more words for Book 3, but nothing else. So I’m stuck. A monster has latched onto me and I can’t banish it to the shadow realm. If everything in life could be solved by card games, it’d be much simpler. And weird. And probably pretty bad for the economy and school attendance. Yeah, nix that last idea.

Maybe I do have depression. I don’t think I do, but what do I know? I’m not a physician or a therapist. I know depression isn’t simply feeling sad – and I don’t feel all that sad, to be honest, just eternally confused – but what could it be? Is it a seasonal affective disorder? I admit my writing progress seems to consistently wane in Spring, but even so I don’t know if it’s ever played out quite like this.

Well, I guess there’s no crying over it. I either write or I don’t. Trying to push through the paralysis by sheer force of will? That can’t result in anything good for the story or my career or evangelism. At the end of it all, I have what I need. What I always needed even when I didn’t know it.

“The Lord is my Shepherd. There is nothing I lack.” (Psalm 23:1)

So I’m thankful for that, at least. And I hope that a day will soon come when my writing is fruitful once more. But for now, I’ll stick to a looser schedule. Until the unwelcome guest goes home – and it really needs to go, it has far overstayed its visit – these blog posts won’t be regular. I’ll make them when I feel the urge.

Thank you for reading. God bless and peace be with you, readers. And thanks and praise be to Him who saved me and gave me a new purpose in life. None of this would be possible without the Lord. May His name be glorified and may you know His profound love. Amen.