Mrs. Avoirdupois Explains it All for You: What Apologies are For Edition

Dearest Plumplings, here it is Tuesday the Eenth again and, after considerable rumination, I have decided that in lieu of composing an entirely fresh essay for you all this month I shall bring forth to you something which I wrote for another purpose, namely, teaching my Chubbelinas at Miss Hanne's Academy for Wayward Girls, but which will nevertheless be utterly new to all those of you who are not and never have been amongst my pupils.

It is a short lecture that I give during the fourth week of the semester each autumn, entitled "What Apologies Are For, and What They Aren't For, and To What They May Occasionally, and In A Properly Modified Fashion, Also Be Applied."

Apologies, my dear Plumplings, are a matter of no small import to decorum.  To be capable of an apology shows humility and generosity of spirit.  To be forthcoming with apology when it is appropriate, without having to be prompted in any way, is a beautiful show of one's sense of honor and fair play.  To display awareness, through one's actions, of what constitutes a proper apology gives substance to one's reputation for acuity and sensitivity, as well as one's sense of propriety.  And, of course, to be capable of making apologies gracefully and without unduly rumpling the counterpane atop the well-made bed of pleasant sociable intercourse is a certain sign of sophistication and grace.

That said, apologies are a common source of vexation for those who would live a pleasant and well-mannered life.  We of the fairer sex particularly are prone to making apologies where none are required, an insidious practice undermining not only ourselves but the practice of apology itself.

To understand this we must first understand that apology may be overt and direct, a verbal (spoken or written) admission of wrongdoing and expression of the desire to soothe any irritation caused thereby, or it may be nonverbal, usually performed in the mode of retreat or disengagement from any offended party and the performance of propitiating gestures intended to smooth raised hackles.  These methods are most often used in conjunction, and rightly so: a verbal apology that issues from a mouth set in a face that does not appear contrite is unlikely to be taken seriously, after all.

These methods may also be used separately.  One must occasionally, of course, apologize by letter when one cannot be present in person.  This is only to be expected and is a perfectly adequate solution to the unfortunately persistent problem of a lack of affordable teleportation.

The nonverbal approach may also be used alone.  It is somewhat less defensible, however, than a solely verbal apology.  Yet there are times when one does not wish to risk further contretemps by offering a conversational opening to an offended person, and so does one's best to simply appear apologetic and inoffensive in the hopes that it will be sufficient.

This is less optimal than the verbal approach in that it is often indistinguishable from the unwholesome act of silencing and belittling one's self solely for another's comfort, and yet we cannot condemn it wholesale as it is sometimes by such unhappily desparate acts that self-possession must be retained and self-protection managed.  Thus I caution you to use the nonverbal approach only very carefully, and only with deliberate forethought.  And for all apologies, verbal or nonverbal, I urge you most fervently to make them only after evaluating them according to these simple principles:

It is just and proper to apologize for actions, deeds, and words.  Even if inadvertently so, if our acts have harmed or offended, an apology is virtually always appropriate.

It is neither just nor proper to apologize for what one ineluctably and inevitably is.  Even if what one is — fat, for instance, or homely, or an atrociously bad player of crokinole — offends others, if it is merely something you are and not something you have done, you are under no obligation to tender an apology.  If others' offense is due to their inability to be tolerant, kind, or gracious and not due to your having acted or spoken offensively, then honi soit qui mal y pense.

Some examples of the former category, that is, the Acceptable and Warranted Apology given for Things That Apologies Are For:

"Jessamyn, I'm so sorry.  You must let me pay to have the upholstery cleaned, I can't think how I managed to get lobster Thermidor all over your recamier, but I do seem to have done, don't I?"
"Do forgive me, Vincent, I know your time is precious and I do apologize for being late."
"Oh, Mildred, I am so sorry I forgot your birthday.  I hope you enjoy this nosegay, tardy though its arrival may be."
"My goodness, how thoughtless I am, I must learn to think before I speak.  I am so, so sorry I said that."

Some examples of the latter category, that is, the Unacceptable and Inappropriately Proffered Apology given for Things That  Need No Apology:

"Oh Philip, I'm sorry, if I only weren't so fat your coat wouldn't have gotten wrinkled in the taxi-cab."
"I wouldn't blame you a bit if you just left me behind, the crutches really do make me slower and I'm sorry I'm bogging the rest of you down, you're awfully sweet to put up with me."
"I do apologize, Aunt Lottie, I did try to be charming but I guess I'm just too homely for it to do any good.  The vicar's son didn't even want to stay to tea."

I trust the principle is clear.

Now, I must warn you now that there are, in addition to these two categories, some occasions on which one must strew about things that appear rather like apologies but are in fact not.

For instance it is polite to provide a warning with regard to what one is, but only if one is being mistaken for something quite different.  If one's hostess is convinced you will be her savior at the games table and you know full well that as inevitably as an antimacassar will not be an andiron, you will not, then you ought to tell her so.  A simple "Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Mabel, but I should warn you I am absolutely pants at whist" should suffice.  Should she insist that you play on her side anyhow, and she loses as a result, it is not your fault and you owe her no apology, since she was warned.

It is also appropriate, at times, to soften the hard leading edge of a firmly-stated preference or boundary by use of the phrase "I'm terribly sorry, but," as in "I'm terribly sorry, Edith, but I cannot abide a public altercation between a lady's posterior and one of those wobbly plastic garden chairs, I must insist upon putting you to the trouble of finding proper seats for the lot of us."  In this case you are not apologizing for the size of anyone's posterior — ample of rump is a thing one is – but, having clearly and firmly stated your boundary, for the inconvenience of causing your hostess to comply with it — a thing you're doing.

 (Never mind that Edith, in a perfect world, would not put me to the trouble.  She knows perfectly well how fat my rear end is and that I'd rather sit on a fence-rail than one of those terrible white molded-plastic patio chairs she insists on putting out at her garden parties.  But Edith, though she is ever so darling in other ways, has a memory as short as a snake's inseam.  What is one to do but to put her to the trouble?)

Finally, if someone expresses offense in regard to something that one is rather than something that one has done or said, it is acceptable in the name of comity to pull out the otherwise wholly impermissible Insincere Apology For Another's Reaction for which the basic formula is some variant  "I'm so sorry that you feel that way."  As in "Oh dear, Mr. Lagerfeld, I'm terribly sorry that the sight of my world-crushing posterior offends you so."

To sum up:

Apology may be verbal, nonverbal, or both.  Consider carefully what version you intend to use on each occasion.
Apologies are warranted and due for things you have said and done.
Apologies are neither warranted nor due in regard to what you are.
It is sometimes useful to employ something that looks like an apology, yet is not an apology, in order to grease the creaky cogs of civility's enduring engines.

 

[Pupils will now be divided up into groups in order to practice their apology-making skills, both written and oral, while the Lecturer in Deportment retires to the teachers' lounge for a small glass of brandy.]

 

Mrs. Clarence L. Avoirdupois is the Very Senior Lecturer in Deportment at Miss Hanne's Academy for Wayward Girls.  She answers your etiquette questions regarding all matters corpulent each Tuesday the Eenth.  Queries may be directed to Mrs. Avoirdupois via the comments section in this blog or at her Twitter page.