Reality shows not ‘real’ enough

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Reality shows not ‘real’ enough…
… says UK TV Watchdog in damning new report…

With the new season of ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ just around the corner, TV bosses were today stunned by a damning report into the state of British reality TV shows, from ‘Oncom’, the unofficial UK regulator.

According to the report, the current crop of offerings are: ‘mediocre at best and completely lacking in the entertainment value expected from today’s highly sophisticated televisual viewer’.

TV chiefs from around the country were quick to respond to the report, pointing out a range of new programmes that are currently either being planned or already in production and which, are specifically designed to cater for those increasingly insatiable viewers who require an even greater level of grim realism than has previously been the case.

Consequently, in the coming months, we can expect to see the launch of ‘My Dad Can Beat Your Dad’, which involves fathers being faced off against each other in gladiatorial style fights to the death, much to the delight and dismay of their respective children. Also, due for release this autumn is ‘The Biggest Boozer’, a show which pits pubs bores from around the country in a series of live drinking competitions, at the end of which, they get to show off their respective skills, which are thought to include bad karaoke singing, serial leching, pickled egg eating and projectile vomiting.

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‘TV is dead’ – Oncom spokesperson.

Fans can also expect to see ‘Service Station Survival’ on our screens before the end of the year. The show is based around the concept of locking a group of university students into a motorway service station and seeing who lasts the longest before dying of fast food poisoning. Sources report that service stations on the M1, M4 and M6 are among the front-runners for the set’s location. For those who prefer a little more glitz to their reality shows, then ‘I Live In A Layby’ is the one for you. Join a band of D-list celebrities as they are forced to spend ten weeks living on a layby in North Yorkshire, eating nothing but scraps thrown from passing cars and the leftovers from Doris’ kebab van, which parks up there twice a week.

The release of the Oncom report happily coincides with an announcement from the UK Government, which states that it too is planning to jump on the bandwagon, albeit with game shows, rather than reality series. Consequently, keep an eye out for ‘Who Wants To Be A UK Citizen’, to be hosted by Chas Tarrant and an all-new ‘Blankety Blank’. The new show, hosted by Inland Revenue officials, will see wealthy tax dodgers being forced to sign blank cheques, with a studio audience deciding which out of a number of competing charities will receive them. Of course, under strict new government guidelines, the charities will have to prove that they have not been poking kids in third world countries in order be to eligible to receive any of the prizes.

Finally, parliamentary debates are set to take on a whole new look with ‘The Vice’ coming to TV in the late summer. Apparently, the government has been overwhelmed with MPs wishing to participate in the show, which involves them placing their genitals into a large vice, which is progressively tightened by the Speaker of the House, depending on how outrageously they lie during Parliamentary Question Time.

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TV on junk or junk on TV – You decide.

And in breaking news, the Church of England, not wishing to be left out of the action, has announced its plans for a new show, provisionally called ‘Christ Almighty’. The show will see congregations up and down the country battling for the title of ‘Most Holy’ by taking part in a series of ‘It’s A Knock-Out’ style games, including ‘Lifting the Lead from the Roof’, ‘Bouncy Castle Crucifixion and ‘Speed Baby Baptism’. Hosts have yet to be confirmed, but Grayman Norton and Ardal O’Hanalonlonlon, both previously of ‘Father Todd’ fame are believed to be in the running.

 

All in all, it would seem that the Oncom report is inaccurate, to say the least, and we have a fantastic range of new reality and game shows to look forward to in the coming months, so stay tuned right here for more updates as and when they happen.

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