Setting Boundaries For A Boundary Buster

Boundaries keep us safe from all types of harm. Some boundaries, like my 6-foot tall wooden fence are visible. Others are not. No matter which type of boundary you set, someone somewhere will find a way to test your boundary. Last night, my boundary buster was a tortoise. He showed me breaches in my boundaries, and I found 10 ways to reinforce them.

I was doing some stretches in my backyard, when I heard a strange rustling in the leaves. My dog heard it too, and we quickly found an uninvited guest – a big turtle. He was probably 20 inches long. My new guest exposed four of my biggest boundary problems.

1. My Boundary Has A Weakness

This was no small turtle. He was certainly bigger than any natural gaps in the fence. Since he lacks opposable thumbs and a ladder, I’m not sure how he got in. Worse than that, we live in Florida. If he got in, what else will wander into my yard? Skunks? Bobcats? Alligators? Thieves?

2. Denial Is Stronger Than My Boundary

I pondered the potential alligator dilemma for a minute then quickly dismissed it. “There’s no way an alligator could fit through my fence.” I reasoned.

“Yet this awkward, slow moving turtle found a way in,” the voice of truth answered. Years of destructive conditioning prepared me to ignore the truth at all costs, but the possibility of an alligator in my pool keeps creeping back to the forefront of my mind.

Denial answers, “Silly girl, an alligator would be put off by the chemicals in your pool. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”

One small-ish turtle is OK for a yard my size. No alligators of any size will work for me, but I am surprised at how strong my denial is.

3. Boundaries Will Be Tested Repeatedly

The turtle isn’t my only boundary buster. My son, being a typically boy, wanted to keep the turtle. Being co-dependent, I wanted to keep it too, but I’m recovered enough to know my backyard is not a turtle hotel. My yard does not have enough food or water to keep the turtle alive.

Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend explain the pain I felt in setting my boundary, “The most responsible behavior possible is usually the most difficult.”

4. Boundaries Must Be Reinforced

I have the same amount of control over a wild turtle as I do any other human – NONE. I can only change myself. When I am frustrated, edgy, and angry, I have most likely been giving in to a boundary buster, who is often my teenager.

In her book, Codependent No More, Melody Beattie gives codependents some sample boundaries. If your boundary buster isn’t a person struggling with addiction, just fill in the blank with your boundary buster du jour i.e., turtle, teenager, or gaslighting mother-in-law. I will not:

Allow anyone to physically or verbally abuse me.
Knowingly believe or support lies.
Allow _________________ (chemical abuse, wild turtles, or hateful teenagers) in my home.
Allow criminal behavior in my home.
Rescue ___________________ (people, turtles, or teenagers) from the consequences of _________________ (lying, chemical abuse, or trespassing).
Finance a person’s addiction to ________________ (alcohol, substances, wild turtles, or other irresponsible behaviors).
Lie to protect you or me from _________________ (alcoholism, abuse, or harboring a wild turtle).
Use my home as a detoxification center for recovering alcoholics or a rehabilitation center for wayward turtles.

Her last two suggested boundaries are crucial:

“If you want to act crazy, that’s your business, but you can’t do it in front of me. Either you leave, or I will walk away.”
“You can spoil your day, your fun, your life – that’s your business, but I won’t let you spoil my fun, my day or my life.”

Sometimes we need professional help to set boundaries. Visit Recovery Guidance to find therapists, counselors, and other treatment options near you.

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