April FoolsCon Mannityhere. Shrink deficits! States’...

April Fools

Con Mannity
here. Shrink deficits! States’ rights! Stand up to Russia! Free
Markets!  I’m a conservative from the old school, with a capital
“Con.”  And I love Donald Trump because he’s sticking to the time-tested
conservative beliefs I’ve been pushing on this show for years. 

For Example, if
there’s one thing we conservatives believe its that we’ve got to shrink the
deficit. 

[News bulletin: Trump and Republican tax cut will explode the deficit] 

Huh? [agitated] Actually, a
lot of people don’t understand this, but I tell people all the time… if the
real conservative goal is to cut the deficit, then sometimes, maybe the best
way to do that is to expand the deficit – so there’s more to cut!  Just think
about that. … 

Old school conservatives like me have other principles, too, that Trump is
championing. States’ Rights! We conservatives hate having big
government in Washington telling the states what to do. 

[News bulletin: Trump and Sessions attacking California law legalizing pot]

Ok, I’m cool! [More agitated] When something bad is going down, like hippies smoking grass,
that’s more important than states rights. I hate hippies, don’t you?  And
hate is a basic Republican principle. …

Back to Basics! You can’t trust Russia.  Which is why Republicans came out against Obama’s
New Start treaty with Moscow, and complained that Obama wasn’t doing enough to
deter Russia in Ukraine.  We have to get those bad-guy Ruskies and teach
em’ whose boss!

[News bulletin: Russia helped Trump win election.]

What? Russia
helped Trump? [Wildly agitated] I mean, one thing I know, Trump’s the boss, so Russia helping him
get elected is teaching ‘em who’s boss.  

Finally and not the
least – basic conservative principle – free trade! Government, bad! Free
markets, good!

[News bulletin: Trump starts trade war.]

Okay, we’re back. [He’s now upside down] It
appears that  everything is upside down. But that’s okay.  As long as
we stay just…like…this… I’m still a conservative. I’m still Con Mannity, and
this is still Rox News.