Maintaining Individuality While Loving Another
Maintaining individuality in a loving relationship requires a quite a bit of self awareness and sensitivity all around. If you’re codependent or happen to be an adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA), you’re likely to be subsumed by the needs of your loved one, never thinking of your own likes and dislikes. And often boundaries go out the window altogether. The other person wins. And you, secretly might be full of resentments.
Maintaining Individuality Is A Balancing Act
Recovering from codependency requires me to be hyper vigilant about so many things. I have to be aware of boundary setting, or what behaviors are not okay with me. I have to be able to communicate my needs while still being concerned and caring for the other person’s well-being. I can’t be selfish. I have to be willing to let go of control and accept that relationships have two sides both with standards and expectations. I can’t be a dishrag and let my partner rule my life. I had a lot of work to do to understand what my own individuality looks like. Through codependency recovery I have learned to value of my own self-worth and self-esteem, and my own likes and dislikes. Humility has taught me my right size and the very important fact that I can only control my own actions. I can’t control the actions of others. There’s a lot to remember.
The poet Rainer Maria Rilke put it this way.
Once we realize that even between the closest human being infinite distance continues to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up if they succeed in loving the distance between them, which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky. A good marriage is that in which each appoints the other guardian of his individuality.
An ideal intimate relationship whether marriage, friendship, or partnership have the ingredient of accepting the other person as an individual with wants, needs and desire that not always coincide with our needs and wants. That is where acceptance lives and respect is born and above all trust.
Tips For Maintaining Individuality In A Loving Relationship
Limited text messages to partner, spouse, friend – not to be over bearing and snoopy.
Limited phone calls – everyone works, no need to be on the phone at all times of the day. There is plenty of time to discuss later.
Relationship with friends meeting friends on a regular basis, on the weekend too, without feeling guilty that a partner is on his/her own during a weekend night.
Having one’s own interest groups that have nothing to do with a partner, such as a book club, playing mahjong, or a special recovery meeting.
Going solo at the gym or learning a new skill by yourself without worrying that a partner would enjoy it too, but rather sharing all these new experiences later.
Traveling solo like visiting an out of town family member on your own.
Being present while with a partner, enjoying the moment, and not thinking of 10,000 other things that need to be done.
I am, and need to be, myself. And you are you. We can love each other with balance and care, as long as we can trust ourselves not to slip into old habits that can hurt.
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