Bryce’s Microfiction, Vol. 1
I used to occasionally write a bit of microfiction/twitfic. I recently came across a text document where I had many of them recorded. This was before Twitter upped the character count, so the weird spacing was to jam everything in along with the tag. I hope you enjoy bad puns, because there’s a few of them in here.
Bob opened the washing machine to find the laundry goblins dancing around a burning sock. He closed the lid and went back to bed.
The building looked ready to collapse at any moment, but the firefighter heard a child screaming, so he rushed in anyway.
Greg walked from the psychiatrist’s office, feeling much less paranoid. Suddenly, he was mugged by a group of old ladies.
Zanthraxon the destroyer demon spent his time waiting to be summoned by knitting sweaters for his hellhound.
The urban sorceress downed the stolen elixer of ultimate power. It tasted suspiciously like chocolate milk.
“Just think, Jim. How many people have jumped that ravine on a skateboard?” Twenty seconds later, the answer was still zero.
Thor got pissed and hammered the stone wall around Valhalla into a pile of Ragna-rocks.
Even stripped of his superpowers, MegaTed was able to accidentally do millions in property damage.
“Just a spoonful of sugar helps the gasoline go down.” Sang the merry hoodlums.
Frosty was a jolly, happy soul. After all, he was made of cocaine. Or was that snow? Anyway, the kids loved him.
Billy wondered aloud when he would be able to feed his mogwai. “When does it stop being after midnight?”
Derek woke up naked in a bathtub full of ice. He resolved to never insult the urban legend faerie again.
Nobody wins at the Second Day Sushi Buffet. Nobody but the ER, that is. And the first day sushi places that have leftovers.
Big Mike returned, hungry for more. Unfortunately for him, this time the cheeses had organized.
Wayne looked longingly at the waitress, and desperately wished he could work up the courage to ask her… for extra syrup.
Larry entered the eating contest long before he found out it was being run by a cannibal tribe.
The internet served it’s purpose on Earth, but when Bob invented the outernet, finally the whole universe could waste time.
Big-D tried to run from the rival gang, but his large pants fell down around his ankles.
Republicans and Democrats took the time to debate rationally and honestly. Ha Ha, just kidding.
When faced with logic, Sen. Joe Liberal stuck his fingers in his ears and sang. “Ain’t no heathcare but Obama’s healthcare.”
Jill stabbed Dan again. Her two year hunt was over. She had finally exacted revenge on the all teenagers that had spit on her car.
“And to my daughter Amy,” Mom’s will continued, “I leave only a guilty feeling for not visiting me in my final weeks.”
Last year he had used noodles to simulate brains to gross out trick-or-treaters.This year he slaughtered a cow.
The urban-wizard-for-hire spent most of his time raining fire upon jerks who had cut off his clients on the freeway.
“If only my friends would stop texting me.”The urban witch was certain if she could focus she’d bring the chicken nuggets to life.
He wore his ceremonial wizard’s garb to Walmart: spandex shorts, a codpiece and a leather duster. Oddly enough, he fit right in.
The urban wizard focused his great magiks on the ball in his hand, then gave up.Spellcasting is way easier on the Wii, he thought.
The CIA agent forced the terrorist to take every facebook quiz he could find. Shockingly, he scored 95% on the Rainbow Brite test.
“And the Mike shall inherit the hearth,” The will read, “And to the Viktor goes the rotten food in the fridge.”
After stalking her for three years, it finally occurred to Tim. “Fran’s not that good looking, and she’s kind of weird.”
“I would give anything to have that physique.” Frank ate the pie, changed the channel and eased back the recliner. “Anything.”
As if school wasn’t bad enough, now the state wanted to test if she could read. She slouched. “Like people even do that anymore.”
After Fozzie Bear converted to earth magik, he started finishing all his jokes with “wicca, wicca.”
Sen. Joe Liberal flew on a high emission jet, ate at high-waste restaurants and rented a gas hog then spoke at a green convention.
“There’s no time like the present.”He thought, so he stood and informed the courtroom that the Judge’s parents were never married.
The hero leapt from the helicopter using a sunshade as a parachute,thus maxing out the disbelief suspenders of readers everywhere.
At the end of it all, Jill and Barry sat down, held hands, & watched the sunset while Steve stood, held his bloody nose & threw up.
Fed up with his antics, Dan’s mother locked him in her closet. He spit in every one of her shoes and on all her dresses.
The thugs found his lair by the smell.Yeah, when discussing Captain Fungus, everyone used the word “superhero” in finger quotes.
Carl scrambled out of bed, threw on a shirt and tie, scarfed some leftovers, mouthwashed and ran out the door. Without his pants.
Sen. Joe Liberal voted for a 1000 page bill he had never read nor discussed then smiled and considered it a good day’s work done.
Dave leaned in for the kiss and saw food stuck in her teeth.He tried to abort gracefully but ended up with spinach in his hair.
Senator Joe Liberal loved the poor so much he would give any one of them the shirt off Mike Workinghard’s back.
Eagle Eye Jack saw the bird pluck the tiny silvery fish from the water 100 yards away then steered the frigate into a cliff.
“I’m glad you like it.” He smiled. “Jill hated it when I used to call her kitten.”Thus began the fight that ended the relationship.
“Lots of folks have insect collections.” Bill told Daria. He then proceeded to place the cockroaches on her face, one by one.
Chuck pulled a copy of “The Very Best of Cher” from the shelf.He laughed at the fools that settled for only the “Best of Cher.”
“Some people do this for the attention.” He took off the toga and the pink wig, then lowered the bullhorn.”I do it for the chicks.”
