Ode To Realtors
Editor's Note: Today I said farewell to my life as a pretty darn successful Realtor. With my brewery and writing businesses hitting critical masses, I decided to place my license with a referral company within my large brokerage firm, said a tearful farewell to my 200 plus colleagues, cleaned out my desk and left all that behind me. Forever.
So, I've written an open letter to you, Dearest buyer and/or seller. Don't get me wrong, I've been both and had mixed success with my own Realtors. But those of us who are and were Real Estate Professionals take our roll as advisor and assistant very seriously.
I'm not anymore.
So I can vent!
If you are quick to be insulted (i.e. if you are currently in the process of buying or selling real estate) perhaps you should toddle along and not read this.
If you have been or are a Realtor, be sure and swallow your coffee or tea or beer before reading, or risk it shooting out your nose!
Dear potential buyer or seller,
This is Your Future Realtor. Just wanted to clarify a few things before we started.
I am not wealthy. I only drive this expensive car so I can appear to be. And for the record it's really hard to keep it this clean all the damn time. So don't spill your double mocha half caff cinnamon sugar spun BS latte on the leather, okay?
I don't like your kids. Keep them out of my car. If you MUST bring them, and they throw up in my aforementioned really clean car, I will smile, pull over and set all of you on the side of the road--in my imagination. I need this commission.
I do not allow animals in my car. If you are One Of Those People who can't live a single second out of your dog's sight, I suggest you buy a doghouse together. It will be cheaper.
I am NOT your enemy. Contrary to popular opinion I am here to help you. I am an expert in this market. You are not, no matter how much Zillowing you do. I spend hours every single day studying houses, prices, mortgage rates, inspectors, historical trends and other actual market data. You can trust me.
I know what your house is worth. I don't care if you have a PhD, an M.D., a ThD or a J.D. I have a RLD: Real Life Degree. I know what your house is worth on the Real Live Housing Market. Not what you wish it was, or what you paid for it or how much you overspent on that obnoxious kitchen renovation. And for the record, those buyers you just rejected without counter-offering? They were your best buyers. Firsts usually are. Too bad you think you know more than me. They won't be coming back.
When I say "keep your house in showing condition" that means (in English): No clutter, no food, no animals, no kids, no mess and no unmown lawns. Ever.
I don't want to be your friend necessarily. This is what we like to call an "arm's length transaction." It's why you hired me. So you didn't have to have your Uncle Wally or cousin Mathilda haul you around for months while you hemmed and hawed. Strangers are better at that sort of thing.
I will not take you house shopping until you've been verified by at least two (if not three) legit mortgage lenders (read: BANKs) that you can actually borrow money to purchase a house. Seriously. I won't.
I am not an attorney. I am not a general contractor. I am not a radon inspector. I am not a lender. I am not a marriage counselor or a babysitter. I am not yer mom. I could be any of these things in a second, and answer just about any question you might ask one of them. But I won't.
I must pay for every gallon of gas used to cart you, your puking kid and your shedding dog around for first, second, third and fourth showings. Here's a hint: If you need a fifth showing you are Decision Making Disabled and need help, but not from me. Not anymore.
I sincerely look forward to helping you through the admitedly VERY stressful process of either selling or buying your biggest investment ever. I appreciate how hard this can be. I've been there. But you don't need to make it unnecessarily difficult by being an asshole. I promise not to be a bitch.
I value our relationship. To a point. Just trying to make a living here. Please try to keep that in mind when you call me at 9:30 at night to cuss me out over a bad radon report, or when you think I'm wrong about market value or whatever is on your mind at that moment.
Let's go shopping!
Love
Liz
COMING SOON: THE REALTORS: Floor Time/Closing Costs/Sweat Equity
If you followed Floor Time on Six Sentence Sunday...you know what I'm talkin' about.
A very hot decade of life in the house lane.
Once a publisher takes it that is!
So, I've written an open letter to you, Dearest buyer and/or seller. Don't get me wrong, I've been both and had mixed success with my own Realtors. But those of us who are and were Real Estate Professionals take our roll as advisor and assistant very seriously.
I'm not anymore.
So I can vent!
If you are quick to be insulted (i.e. if you are currently in the process of buying or selling real estate) perhaps you should toddle along and not read this.
If you have been or are a Realtor, be sure and swallow your coffee or tea or beer before reading, or risk it shooting out your nose!
Dear potential buyer or seller,
This is Your Future Realtor. Just wanted to clarify a few things before we started.
I am not wealthy. I only drive this expensive car so I can appear to be. And for the record it's really hard to keep it this clean all the damn time. So don't spill your double mocha half caff cinnamon sugar spun BS latte on the leather, okay?
I don't like your kids. Keep them out of my car. If you MUST bring them, and they throw up in my aforementioned really clean car, I will smile, pull over and set all of you on the side of the road--in my imagination. I need this commission.
I do not allow animals in my car. If you are One Of Those People who can't live a single second out of your dog's sight, I suggest you buy a doghouse together. It will be cheaper.
I am NOT your enemy. Contrary to popular opinion I am here to help you. I am an expert in this market. You are not, no matter how much Zillowing you do. I spend hours every single day studying houses, prices, mortgage rates, inspectors, historical trends and other actual market data. You can trust me.
I know what your house is worth. I don't care if you have a PhD, an M.D., a ThD or a J.D. I have a RLD: Real Life Degree. I know what your house is worth on the Real Live Housing Market. Not what you wish it was, or what you paid for it or how much you overspent on that obnoxious kitchen renovation. And for the record, those buyers you just rejected without counter-offering? They were your best buyers. Firsts usually are. Too bad you think you know more than me. They won't be coming back.
When I say "keep your house in showing condition" that means (in English): No clutter, no food, no animals, no kids, no mess and no unmown lawns. Ever.
I don't want to be your friend necessarily. This is what we like to call an "arm's length transaction." It's why you hired me. So you didn't have to have your Uncle Wally or cousin Mathilda haul you around for months while you hemmed and hawed. Strangers are better at that sort of thing.
I will not take you house shopping until you've been verified by at least two (if not three) legit mortgage lenders (read: BANKs) that you can actually borrow money to purchase a house. Seriously. I won't.
I am not an attorney. I am not a general contractor. I am not a radon inspector. I am not a lender. I am not a marriage counselor or a babysitter. I am not yer mom. I could be any of these things in a second, and answer just about any question you might ask one of them. But I won't.
I must pay for every gallon of gas used to cart you, your puking kid and your shedding dog around for first, second, third and fourth showings. Here's a hint: If you need a fifth showing you are Decision Making Disabled and need help, but not from me. Not anymore.
I sincerely look forward to helping you through the admitedly VERY stressful process of either selling or buying your biggest investment ever. I appreciate how hard this can be. I've been there. But you don't need to make it unnecessarily difficult by being an asshole. I promise not to be a bitch.
I value our relationship. To a point. Just trying to make a living here. Please try to keep that in mind when you call me at 9:30 at night to cuss me out over a bad radon report, or when you think I'm wrong about market value or whatever is on your mind at that moment.
Let's go shopping!
Love
Liz
COMING SOON: THE REALTORS: Floor Time/Closing Costs/Sweat Equity
If you followed Floor Time on Six Sentence Sunday...you know what I'm talkin' about.
A very hot decade of life in the house lane.
Once a publisher takes it that is!
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