Dealing With A Narcissistic/Difficult Mother- Trapped in the Role of the “Good” Daughter
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“My mother is driving me crazy!” Is this just any daughter complaining about her mother or is it an indication that something is fundamentally wrong with the relationship?
Is she dealing with a Narcissistic Mother?
A daughter has been raised by a mother with serious psychological difficulty, isn’t just bitching about mom. She is trapped by her mother’s needs in ways that cost her then & now.
When mom has NPD ( Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or BPD ( Borderline Personality Disorder) or has traits of these personality disorders, her daughter will suffer.
The daughter who is attuned to mom is frequently in the role of the “good daughter”.
To her, rejecting mom is simply not an option. She is not only hurt by her damaged mother but feels responsible for her mother’s well-being.
This adaptation to moms’ distorted sense of self will affect every aspect of her daughter’s life.
Her mother’s defenses mandate she look “good” for mom or be “good” for mom. Mom’s need for self-preservation comes at the cost of her daughter’s developmental needs
Growing up – the good daughter learns that caretaking is the only way for her to feel emotionally safe.
She has to learn to shut down her own feelings in order to protect her mother’s fragile self-esteem.
For emotional survival, she learns to disconnects from herself and tunes into mom’s needs instead.
What does it cost her to be ‘good” for mom instead of real for herself?
The daughter in the role of the good daughter may look like she has it all together yet be flooded with self-doubt when met with the slightest criticism.
Years of looking good for mom and feeling that she has to be better than she leaves her with little emotional resilience.
Consequentially, detaching from her essential self, while letting another person in is almost impossible.
Because of this detachment, her capacity for intimate relating is severely limited.
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Isolated and lonely, the good daughter is plagued by an emptiness she doesn’t understand. She assumes everyone feels it. The acceptance she longs for frequently feels out of her reach.
Tragically, when the “good daughter” feels the need to keep up an illusion of perfection, no one gets to see whom she really is. When a love interest gets too close, she may back away, fearing if she reveals her real self, she will be found lacking.
This is her double-bind, let your true self-show and you risk losing the love you need.
Keep up a front and you never really feel loved for yourself.
Alternatively, she will pick partners who are in desperate need of narcissistic mirroring themselves.
She may be surrounded by people but feel profoundly lonely and not know why.
Riddled with anxiety she won’t measure up in some way, the good daughter often over-functions at work or at school. Rather than bringing a sense of satisfaction, she feels like an imposter only waiting to be found out.
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The good daughter might exercise and starve herself to quiet the internalized critical voice that relentlessly calls her “fat,” “lazy,”. If she obeys the internal critical voices and gives of herself enough, she can sometimes calm the voices to a dull roar.
Still, the internal tyrant is always there, lying in wait—waiting to hunt her down the minute the “good daughter” lets down her guard.
In an effort to look good, she may keep it all together only to turn to food or alcohol when no one is looking. In extreme cases, she resorts to cutting or other forms of self-harm to release the accumulated pressure she feels from keeping up the facade.
Perhaps she is a suburban mom who can’t pull herself away from the shopping channel or the Chardonnay, her only escape from the relentless tedium of making her life and family look better than it is- emptiness and anxiety haunting her every footstep.
Keeping up the facade is exhausting and never-ending.
The “good daughter” may not know how to fail in small ways and bounce back. There is no middle ground. Her so-called successes are both a pedestal and a prison. Every success sets an expectation she feels she has to meet, every time.
The fake smile, the protective mask, the relentless pursuit of perfection has crushed the little girl inside who has learned to look good her narcissistically defended mom instead of being real for herself.
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Being real wasn’t good enough for mom.
The good daughter must look good and make sure everyone is okay with her-even when mom is nowhere in sight.
No one told her that this is an impossible task. Because happiness, even her own, is an inside job.
As a result of trying, she may feel overwhelming shame, guilt, and self-doubt.
These oppressive feelings threaten to bury her alive.
What can she do?
She needs to know that her buried self is still there, waiting to be reclaimed and brought back to life.
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Paradoxically, her discontent holds the breadcrumbs to trace a way back to herself.
The good daughter's unhappiness holds the impetus to unearth her full range of feelings. The stifled anger, at last, given a voice, can free her from the shackles of living inside of a false self.
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Plugging back into the current of her true range of feelings—not merely the “nice” ones—can energize her passion and creativity.
With that energy, she may finally be able to shake off the shame, claim her true feelings, and find her way back home—to her essential self.
Armed with awareness, the Good Daughter can use the map of her mother's narcissistic wounds as the detailed guide to finding her power as a woman. Understanding the roots of her pain is now the path to her empowerment.
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