Putin manages not to piss himself laughing for 24 hours straight

[image error]Moscow was reeling in shock this evening when a Kremlin spokesman confirmed that for the first time since the UK’s referendum on EU membership in June 2016, Russian President Vladimir Putin had gone a full 24 hours without pissing himself laughing.

The spokesman said: “On every single day since 23 June 2016, our Great President has pissed himself laughing at how his army of internet trolls have proceeded to destabilise those so-called ‘democracies’ in the West.  Indeed, since one of his most important assets took over the White House, it has been common for our Great President to piss himself laughing at his morning FSB briefing, and then piss himself laughing again at the evening briefing.

However, on the advice of his doctors, for the sake of his health our Great President has decreed that his FSB briefings are now to be delivered by a cast member of Mrs Brown’s Boys, so they will not be in the least bit amusing.”

The spokesman vehemently denied suggestions that Putin keeps pissing himself simply due to his advancing years, and insisted: “Listen: the KGB may have lost the Cold War, but the FSB is winning the Cyber War.  We are setting you all to hating each other so your economies and then your societies will soon collapse.  We come into your countries and murder who we want because we know you haven’t got the balls to do anything about it.  And, frankly speaking, after the endless shame of losing the Cold War, our Great President finds this all fucking hilarious.”

However, when asked to respond to rumours from the UK that Moscow is secretly paying illicit funds to Rupert Murdoch and Paul Dacre so their papers continue to support the strategic Russian objective of destabilising the West, the Kremlin spokesman paused for a moment, considered the question, and then pissed himself laughing.