Losing Control

I lost it. The control that sometimes I dupe myself into thinking that I actually have—yea, I lost it.

For the last month or so, I’ve been trying my best to manage the stress in my life. The stress of rejection, financial difficulties, uncertainty in my career etc… I’ve been working hard to maintain some level of peace but all of that came crashing down, as my blood pressure steadily rose and my equilibrium failed to do what it needed to. The room was spinning because my circumstances were spinning me.

So, I landed myself in urgent care. And I was frustrated. Frustrated with myself for letting life’s circumstances impact my health so adversely.

Frustrated with my body for cracking and turning against me.

Frustrated at my mind for continuously replaying the scene from unresolved hurt.

Frustrated at the circumstances that landed me here.

Frustrated at the dismissive doctor who “tended” to me while I was vulnerable.

I was pissed. Hurt. Sad. Emotional. Because I’ve been trying my best, yet it seemed that my best was simply not good enough… My best in attempting to make others like me/ love me was not good enough.

My best to stay on top of my finances fell short. With all the working out and red juices I make, my wellness still was impaired. I fell short. A part of me feels like a failure when I fall short on my wellness.

So, in the shower I had a good cleansing cry. And my sincere prayer simply was as follows: “Lord, help!”

Life is tough, you guys. And facing the uncertainties of life apart from genuine partnership and/or community is tougher.

But I had to make a decision. Was I going to let life continue to beat me up? Or was I going to fully surrender and let God fight for me? I chose the latter.

I chatted with a few, good friends. I prayed and I requested prayer. I took a night off of work. And declined an outing that I knew was not going to bring me closer to the peace and stability I need. Stayed away from coffee and got 12 hours of sleep. Stayed off social media. I took a kickboxing class this morning and visualized that I was fighting with the devil. In that fight, I won.

In this one, too. I win.

So as always, I dust myself off and we try again. I lost it. But now, I’m back because I realize that I never needed to have it all together in the first place.

I’m trying my best.