Why Do You Expect Your Child to Obey You?

I observe my need for justice come out in no better way than as a father. I expect my son to obey me because he is supposed to obey his father. Right Now. Seriously, I am surprised how angry I feel when he doesn’t immediately change his behavior and obey my every command.

The scene usually goes down something like this…I tell my son, sometimes I ask, to do something or stop doing something else. If he complies within a few seconds, then all is right and good in the world. If he delays, complains, tries to negotiate, or any other behavior that I deem as disobedience, I demand immediate compliance.

I do exaggerate. Some.

To my defense I grew up, or at least was born into the generation of, “kids are to be seen and not heard.” It didn’t help my cause any that I was a compliant child. If my mother or father told me to do something, I did it. At least when I was young. We won’t get into my passive-aggressive tendencies as a teenager.

But lets get back to the subject.

Maybe for a child that has never experienced any kind of trauma this kind of parenting will work. The main reason it will work is because that child trusts their parent. The child has no reason to believe that the parent has any harm in mind. So they obey their parent usually without hesitation.

But take a child who experiences trauma. Their brain gets hard-wired for survival. Their brain recorded an event or worse recurring events that communicate the need to be on guard and trust no one, because no one is worthy of trust.

This describes my son. He doesn’t explicitly remember the trauma he endured as a baby, but his brain does. And his brain tells him to not trust that a caregiver has his best interest in mind. So when I expect him to obey me with a no questions asked approach, well, let’s just say many times I will have a fight on my hands. I have learned both intellectually and by experience that all this does is shove my son into survival mode.

In those moments, I have to ask myself, “Why do I want my son to obey me right now?”

Is it a life or death situation? Is it because of my need for respect or some other emotional need that I have? Do I have a “because I am your father and I said so” attitude?

Granted there are times when a child needs to obey their parent no questions asked and without any delay. But much more often we don’t need their immediate, fully compliant obedience. And with a child from a hard place we won’t accomplish what we want anyway.

Here is the mental shift I think we need to make.

Rather than parenting for the sake of obedience, parent with the goal of healing.

Parenting with Healing as the Goal
Keep in mind these things about a kid from a hard place:

The survival instincts of a traumatized child are over-developed making it very easy for them to slip into fight, fright, or freeze mode.
They struggle with trust.
They don’t interpret social cues and facial expressions accurately.

What parenting with healing as the goal looks like:

Self regulation. Staying calm and in control of my emotions helps me to see past my son’s behavior. I am able to explore what the motivation is behind his behavior.
Correct the behavior when it will work. No child will receive correction when they are in survival or meltdown mode.
Understand my motivation. Analyzing my motivation for why I expect obedience will help me to let go of expectations that will not benefit my son.

I re-emphasize that parenting with healing as the goal doesn’t permit a child to continue any poor behavior. Rather it gives our kids room to heal and to trust so they can correct their behavior.

Please chime in with your thoughts and ideas on this either by leaving a comment below or connecting with me on FaceBook or Twitter.