Scottish language tips

1. Don’t ask who “Ken” and “Barry” are.

They are not two incredibly popular men that everyone in Scotland is friends with.

“Ken” means “know” — e.g. I dinnae ken (I don’t know).

“Barry” means “good” — e.g. I went to Glasgow, it was fucking Barry.

2. Erase “Yes” from your vocabulary.

Instead, use “Aye” (pronounced “I”) to your heart’s content.

3. Remember where you are when you order chips.

Salt and vinegar in the west; salt and sauce in the east. Stray beyond these boundaries and you’re in serious danger of exposing yourself as an outsider.

4. Go to the “chippy” (fish and chip shop) prepared.

“Supper” means “with chips”. “Link roll” is a sausage in a roll, “sausage roll” is a sausage pastry, and “roll on sausage” is a square sausage on a roll. Got it?

5. Swear.

Try peppering your speech with it at a ratio of roughly 2:1 non-swears to swears. And be specific. There is an extra versatility to the word “cunt” for example. It can be divided into “good cunt” and “bad cunt.” “Good cunt” being your mum or your oldest friend. “Bad cunt” being someone with the capacity to burn down a primary school. Don’t worry about people getting offended, call an elderly lady a “good cunt” and prepare to make a friend for life.

6. Read between the lines.

“Moan fur a wee drink”

Literal: Let’s go for a small drink.

Actual: Let’s down eight pints in three hours.
“Did ye aye?”

Literal: Did you really?

Actual: I don’t believe a word of what you’re saying.
“Aye, right”

Literal: Ok.

Actual: You’re full of shit.

7. It’s a “loch,” not a “lake.”

And its pronounced Loch (“loccch”) not “Lock.”

8. If someone asks “how?” what they really mean is “why?”
9. Don’t even try to understand people from Aberdeen.

“Fit fit fits fit fit?” (Which foot fits which foot?)

10. It’s Whisky, not Scotch.

And it’s spelled “Whisky”, not “Whiskey”.

11. Never use a run-of-the-mill insult.

Instead of calling someone an idiot, take your pick of the following:

Bampot
Baw
Clipe
Dobber
Dafty
Hackit
Howlin
Jakey
Jessie
Jobby


Lavvy Heid
Numpty
Nyaff
Radge
Roaster
Rocket
Scrote
Shan
Tube
Walloper



12. Never talk about getting “drunk.”

Say this instead:

Blitzed
Tanked-up
Oot yer tree
Sloshed
Minced
Buckled
Foutered
Pished
Reekin’
Guttered
Oot the game


Trollied
Sozzled
Minkit
Rubbered
Steamin
Steamboats
Mingin’
Sottered
Tooteroo
Goosed
Tramlined



14. Don’t call our country “England.”

This might seem obvious but this mistake has been made before, and those people have never been seen since.

15. Don’t say “Happy New Year”.

It’s “Hogmanay” up here, and we take it very seriously.

16. Replace all these words by their Scottish equivalents:


Small = Wee
Shopping = Messages
Disgusting = Bowfin
Crazy = Radge
Car = Motor
Girl = Lassie, hen


Remember = Mind
Crying = Greeting
Cool = Sound
Busy = Hoachin
Unfair = Shan
Good = Braw
Food = Scran



17. Understand the importance of the accent.

Proper Scottish pronunciation is a stumbling block for anyone trying to blend in with the locals. Here are some tips:

Remember to roll your R’s. Practice with the words “Purple” and “Murder.”
Don’t pronounce your T’s. Any self-respecting Scot would never dream of uttering (u-erring) a T in the middle of a word. See Butter (Bu-er) Water (Wa-er).
Don’t confuse your nots and naes.

Can’t = Cannae

Don’t = Dinnae

Won’t = Willnae

Shouldn’t = Shouldnae



More like this: The 18 funniest Scottish expressions (and how to use them)