Not the Trip We Expected
One of the biggest parenting adjustments I’ve made since our oldest daughter started college in 2016 is shifting from doer to observer. It wasn’t like she needed a ton of our help even in high school; I thought I was motivated and organized, but she wipes me and the floor with her neatly checked to-do lists and color coordinated whiteboard planner.
Still, when they’re living under your roof, it’s easier to offer your hands-on help in matters of school, friends, jobs, and the like. According to all the experts, when they’re in college, the parenting goal is to be a wise, reflective listener. “You seem really excited about your English class compared to your Statistics class. Have you thought about looking into whether an English minor could be an option?” because you loved her writing so much in high school and it kills you that she’s not doing more of it. Or “When you tell me stories about your friend Sue, they seem to always end with her changing plans at the last minute and leaving you stranded.” Weighted silence in which you hope she’ll realize she needs move on from Sue. C’mon! Pick up what I’m laying down! You are aware of the decisions. But you are not supposed to be IN the decisions.
Tell that to my anxiety levels during the past month, in which our daughter’s long-held plans for studying abroad her junior year were tossed about like sneakers in an industrial dryer.
Study Abroad is a foundational Davis Kho family value. I spent a semester in Vienna in 1987 perfecting my German which was the reason I could do a job interview auf Deutsch a year later which is the reason I got a job in Munich which is the reason I got into grad school for international business which is where I met my husband which is the reason we have an older daughter to be anxious about. Our girls know this is an expectation. Even if my husband and I screwed up and forgot to raise our children overseas, we fervently believe that a semester abroad is key to building empathy, global citizenship, and curiosity, all of which is needed in 2018 more than ever. Also, it would be terrible parenting to not go visit your children when they live abroad. #TravelExcuse
Study abroad was a primary reason our daughter picked the school she did. As a Mechanical Engineering major, it’s not easy to find a school that will support your desire to go overseas – so many required courses that must be taken in a specific order. Her school says it sends a higher percentage of engineers abroad than any other, so with that assurance and a sickening acceptance that my entire salary was going to its coffers for four years, she/we said yes.
Fast forward a year and things are going swimmingly on all counts, including wise, reflective parenting. “It sounds like the London program for the fall of 2018 is going to be perfect for you! And you must be really pleased to have had all the courses approved by your MechE professors, the dean, the program you’re working through, and the Global Ed office! That definitely took a lot of time in an already busy semester, but you’ve gotten it all done. That’s something to be proud of.” Over Christmas break we discussed whether we should celebrate Christmas in London, whether we could add on a visit to Munich to see Mom’s old stomping grounds, whether Scandinavia in the winter would be fun or depressing.
Hahahhahahaha, God. I get it. Best laid plans.
Earlier this month, exactly one week before all Study Abroad plans for Fall 2018 had to be finalized, our daughter called. Not in a panic, more bemused: “Huh. The college in London just cancelled the Dynamics class I have to take that semester. But I think I have a few options.” In the days that followed, the frequency and tension of the phone calls increased as Options B, C, then D – K fizzled out one by one. No summer classes available, no switching courses around, no doubling up courses in preceding or ensuing semesters. “It seems like you are trying everything. It sounds like you’re not getting much help. It sounds like you are rightfully freaking out and in that, I join you.”
That’s when the exercise called “Chase Dynamics Around the Globe” began. Where WERE the study abroad programs that a.) offered Dynamics b.) would be recognized by her university c.) could be applied to with an already-written essay by doing “Find, Replace” to switch out London for whatever city it was?
It’s Dublin! No, it’s Auckland! No, it’s Christchurch! No, it’s Sydney! No, it’s a different program in Dublin!
With each phone or text update for the next week, I wisely reflected my tusch off. “That sounds like a great program! I’d love to come visit you in that city! Sounds like a perfect fit! No? It doesn’t work? Never mind!” At one point the whole study abroad dream seemed completely doomed, at which point I dug deep with, “Well, if you are in Central Pennsylvania for that semester, too, and all your friends are abroad, you will make new friends!” Wasn’t much help and we both knew it. At least I didn’t mention Pennsylvania Dutch pretzels.
That’s when Professor B rode to the rescue. He wouldn’t let our daughter take No Study Abroad for an answer and made it his mission to help her, brainstorming alternatives and corralling all the requisite approvals. He told her that he remembered meeting my husband and me during Parents Weekend of her freshman year and that we’d talked his ear off about study abroad. Yes, that sounds plausible. The upshot, a week later and a day before the study abroad deadline?
Limerick, Ireland. A city none of us has visited, desired to visit, or knows anything about. From the Wikipedia page it sure looks pretty. Sounded like the perfect recipe for a mind-opening semester abroad.
And then, of course, the school in Limerick cancelled its Dynamics class. Back to the starting line.
There once was a mom needing Xanax…
It’s the end of February. She has a new destination and a plan to make it work which, for fear of jinxing anything, I will not share until she is on Day 11 of classes next fall. Though I’m optimistic that this plan will stick, I have wisely reflected to her that her cynicism on this topic is well earned.
And if I go nowhere else to visit her next fall, I can still say I’ve gone for a ride.
I have sung this as “..I, I, I, can’t find my luggage” since the second time I heard it.
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