Interview with a Beaker
Some weeks ago, I caught up with the beloved muppet, Beaker, star of stage and screen in the 70s, 80s, and beyond. Currently retired and confined to a derelict hotel in an undisclosed Brooklyn neighborhood, he generously agreed to tell us about his career and future plans. As of this writing, the HuffPost has so far declined my invitation to publish.
Q: So, is it true you never uttered a single word on camera?
That’s right, it was written right into my contract. I wasn’t allowed to say anything intelligible… Meep.
Q: Well, thanks for speaking to us now…
Sure, happy to do it for my fans.
Q: What first got you interested in science?
My mom used to date Carl Sagan.
Q: Carl Sagan, really?
Well, Lego-Carl Sagan. Helluva guy, has a handshake like a vice-grip.
Q: Tell us about your mom…
She was called Lamb Chop. I come from a long line of sock puppets.
Q: Your parents actually named you Beaker?
I’m not sure about my dad, I was a test tube baby.
Q: And what’s it like being a puppet?
I don’t get much privacy, I’ll say that much.
Q: How about your boss, Dr Bunsen Honeydew? Did you get along?
For a guy with no eyes, he was always looking out for me.
Q: And this was at the Muppet Lab, a division of the Monsanto Chemical Company?
That’s right. Genetic research… We were trying to create new puppet-based life forms.
Q: Were you successful?
Sure, just ask Fozzie Bear or Gonzo…
Q: We’ve heard a lot about the infamous cast parties. Are you saying Oscar was trashed most nights?
I’d use a different word, but yeah, pretty much.
Q: And Miss Piggy?
I’ve said too much already. Kermit is going to be like all crazy frog jealous.
Q: Can you tell us about the meth lab?
That was Kermit’s idea. I won’t say anything else unless my lawyer is present.
Q: When was the last time you slept?
1987— why?
Q: What’s your biggest regret?
Oversleeping on the day of the Star Wars casting call. I would’ve made a great Yoda.
Q: How did you survive after the Muppet Show?
It was tough. Did some local dinner-theatre, and I was lucky enough to get a few cameo roles on Farscape.
Q: Can you tell us about your next project?
An audiobook version of War and Peace. Should be out soon… I’m still perfecting my Russian accent.
Q: And how do you make ends meet nowadays?
Well, I’m not proud about it, but I sold some of my hair to then-candidate Trump.
Q: You’re saying part of you ended up in the White House?
Not the best part… Meep.
Adapted from the feed:
https://twitter.com/TractusFynn
Q: So, is it true you never uttered a single word on camera?
That’s right, it was written right into my contract. I wasn’t allowed to say anything intelligible… Meep.
Q: Well, thanks for speaking to us now…
Sure, happy to do it for my fans.
Q: What first got you interested in science?
My mom used to date Carl Sagan.
Q: Carl Sagan, really?
Well, Lego-Carl Sagan. Helluva guy, has a handshake like a vice-grip.
Q: Tell us about your mom…
She was called Lamb Chop. I come from a long line of sock puppets.
Q: Your parents actually named you Beaker?
I’m not sure about my dad, I was a test tube baby.
Q: And what’s it like being a puppet?
I don’t get much privacy, I’ll say that much.
Q: How about your boss, Dr Bunsen Honeydew? Did you get along?
For a guy with no eyes, he was always looking out for me.
Q: And this was at the Muppet Lab, a division of the Monsanto Chemical Company?
That’s right. Genetic research… We were trying to create new puppet-based life forms.
Q: Were you successful?
Sure, just ask Fozzie Bear or Gonzo…
Q: We’ve heard a lot about the infamous cast parties. Are you saying Oscar was trashed most nights?
I’d use a different word, but yeah, pretty much.
Q: And Miss Piggy?
I’ve said too much already. Kermit is going to be like all crazy frog jealous.
Q: Can you tell us about the meth lab?
That was Kermit’s idea. I won’t say anything else unless my lawyer is present.
Q: When was the last time you slept?
1987— why?
Q: What’s your biggest regret?
Oversleeping on the day of the Star Wars casting call. I would’ve made a great Yoda.
Q: How did you survive after the Muppet Show?
It was tough. Did some local dinner-theatre, and I was lucky enough to get a few cameo roles on Farscape.
Q: Can you tell us about your next project?
An audiobook version of War and Peace. Should be out soon… I’m still perfecting my Russian accent.
Q: And how do you make ends meet nowadays?
Well, I’m not proud about it, but I sold some of my hair to then-candidate Trump.
Q: You’re saying part of you ended up in the White House?
Not the best part… Meep.
Adapted from the feed:
https://twitter.com/TractusFynn
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