Common Errors in Fiction Manuscripts, Part 4

Purple Prose



I'm guilty of this, I have to admit. I
love words. I love language. Sometimes I get so carried away with descriptors I
forget about advancing the plot, and sharpening prose to a keen edge.





So, when I go back to a piece some weeks
or months after writing the first draft, I set aside my love affair with the
story and words, and become the clinician.





There is one rule: Use one precise word
instead of many lush words.





The result? A sentence or passage of
such clarity it incises an image into a reader's imagination.




For example:





Completing another chapter, the
eleven-year-old bibliophile gracefully stood and, with the air of a young
nobleman, strode across the library to a second reading chair perched
comfortably before a tall, gothic-style window.





All kinds of wrong with that sentence.
Is the age of the boy necessary? Or can that information be inferred through
action and thought? The use of the word 'bibliophile' arrests the narrative. Personally,
I love that word, but it's a bit antiquated for the targeted audience, and
isn't particularly communicative. The description of the boy's grace when
standing creates a cool and distant omniscient point of view that alienates the
reader from the character. And besides, is it necessary to know he has grace
when standing? Does this reflect upon his character or in any manner advance
the plot? The phrase 'with the air of a young nobleman' is redundant on so many
levels, let alone irrelevant and ridiculous in its assumption that young
noblemen are inherently graceful. Then we have a perching chair. Chairs do not
perch. People do. And further a chair can't be perched comfortably. A chair has
no feelings and so the concept of it having comfort, unless we're dealing with
something out of Terry Pratchett's imagination, is ridiculous. The tall,
gothic-style window is known as a lancet window; however, is it necessary to
the plot to know the exact architectural description of said window?





Rewritten, the sentence could read:





When he finished the chapter, he crossed
to the chair by the window.





Comments? Questions? We'd love to hear
from you.