When People Disappear and Disappoint

“Where did everyone go? Do we have some kind of disease? Are we contagious?” Sandra said, fire in her eyes.

Sandra’s daughter Sam was their firstborn. Sam and her little brother Stephen were quite a pair. They were together a lot and grew up close, the best of friends.

One Saturday they were heading across the street to the park in their neighborhood. A truck zoomed around the corner. As if by instinct, Sam yelled and shoved Stephen out of harm’s way. Sam died hours later in the hospital. She was eight years old.

“At first, we were inundated with support – calls, texts, and food. People were dropping by at all hours. Then, poof! Nothing,” Sandra continued.

“When we do see friends, it’s awkward. They glance at their phones or their watches. They never bring Sam up or say her name,” Sandra said, as she began to cry.

 

Loss changes friendships

When death strikes, it upends us. It upsets the equilibrium of our lives, including our relationships. Friendships are usually greatly affected.

When a loved one dies, our friendships are suddenly catapulted into unchartered territory. It’s as if we’ve been transported to some foreign country or alternate dimension. This is our life now, but our friends know nothing about this new, foreboding place.

Perhaps they visit us in this new land of loss and grief. This scares, even terrifies them. They look at their own lives and loved ones and shudder. This could happen to them too.

Our old life is gone. For the most part, our friends’ lives go on as before. The gap between us widens.

Some people we counted on disappear. Maybe they’re avoiding us. Perhaps they’re just going on with their own busy and demanding lives. The result is the same. They’re not there.

Others who were on the periphery move closer, wondering what they can do to help. Their eyes reveal compassionate hearts.

Strangers appear. Some know grief and are well-acquainted with loss. Perhaps they’ve even lost children. New friendships bud. Over time, they take root and grow.

Loss alters friendships. Some may evaporate, but others will thrive and deepen. Our hearts are shattered, but we can still feel supported, cared for, and loved.

We are not alone.

“Some friends have disappeared. The ones I need will step up. I’m not alone.”

 

A question to consider:

What do you sense you need most from your friends right now? Do they know this? Is there a way you can share this with them?

An exercise to try:

Write a letter to your friends (in general) about how they have reacted to you since the death of your loved one (a letter you will not send!). Be honest and uncensored. End the letter by describing what you hope for and need from your friends now, from here on out.

 

Adapted from the 2017 Best Book Awards Finalist and Amazon bestseller, Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child.