Guest Post: Spotlight on the Temperance Series by Ichabod Temperance

Hi, everyone. I’ll be in the audience today as we all read a special guest post by Ichabod Temperance and Persephone Plumtartt, who star in the Temperance steampunk series. If you’re a fan of that genre and indie authors with unique styles (and an adorable OTP), I highly recommend checking out this different and fun set of books. I thoroughly enjoyed the first novel, “A Matter of Temperance,” last year.

To Adventure with Temperance…

“Watch out, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, those vacuum tubes are hot! The erratic voltages are causing the condensers to discharge and pop my transistors!”

“Quite so, Mr. Temperance. Please explain, if you will, what purpose this singular array of dangerous and overactive electric mayhem and their associated devices that fill this lofty laboratory may serve, eh hem?”

“Oh, yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. This here is my Trans-dimensional-temporal-spanning-scriptograph. With it, we can communicate with a version of planet Earth, that is not only of a universe that is different from our own, but is also in the far-distant future.”

“How extraordinary, Mr. Temperance.”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt. Instead of it being the year 1877, as it is in our world, we are communicating with a pal of mine in the distant future of 2018! Howdy, Miss Daley Downing, Ma’am! I hope you are getting this transmission.”

“Does one have a theme for this uncanny communique?”

“Yes, Ma’am, we’re going to talk about some of the adventures you and I have had!”

“I say, I may be able to lend some assistance in this endeavor. Now then, I assume that Miss Downing’s Earth was not visited by the Revelatory Comet, as our world, is that correct, sir?”

“Yes, Ma’am. In our universe, the Earth passed through the tail of a strange comet. Afterwards, all sorts of inventive geniuses began sprouting like wildflowers in Spring.”

“You, Mr. Ichabod Temperance, are among those charmed peoples. It was your own inventiveness that led to our meeting in the first book of our adventures.”

“We had to stop a tentacle faced super-monster from devouring our whole planet! I thought we were gonna get gobbled up gone for sure!”

“Fortunately, this was not the case; however, this was not our last brush with planetary extinction and cataclysmic catastrophe, eh hem?”

“There’s one story where we have to fight off invaders from the planet Mars! It was a real War Betwixt the Worlds.”

“One recalls a singular adventure with a detective by the name of Sherlock Holmes.”

“And that there VooDoo zombie book had us in a grave predicament.”

“One cannot help but wonder how you were able to contend with the mighty Godzilla when you two went mano a monstro.”

“That boy was a handful, that’s for sure, but I always get to meet wonderful people along the way. I know I will always treasure my friendship with King Arthur.”

“Sir, please do not forget the time that you and I traveled to a world ruled by dragons.”

“Oh no Ma’am, Miss Plumartt! That there dragon adventure was a high-fantasy saga of epic proportions!”

“Indeed, Mr. Temperance, though your last published adventure took place on the dark and foggy streets of old London town. Please share a few thoughts concerning the murderous events on those damp, dreary nights, so shrouded in mystery.”

“Well, the events I had in mind were eerily similar to Robert Louis Stevenson’s ‘The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde’. But you know what? I read that book and did not care for it. That struck me as odd, because I loved ‘Treasure island’ so much when I was younger. That was when I knew what to do. My latest book, ‘The Two Faces of Temperance’, is, on the surface, a reboot of the Jekyll/Hyde story, but secretly, beneath the surface, it is an homage to ‘Treasure Island’.”

“Jolly Good, Mr. Temperance, now then, I feel it only fair to warn, eh, that is, prepare, Miss Downing and her faithful followers as regards your manner and style of writing.”

“Hunh? Oh, as to manner of writing, you are probably referring to my habit of writing in dialogue.”

“Quite.”

“Yes, Ma’am. Well, it is my attempt to make the action happen in the present tense. When we are speaking, things are happening. My exposition has a tendency to place the action in the past tense, and I do not care for that.”

“Thank you, one is not entirely assured that the reader has caught on to this phenomenon, but your novels are ripe with such literary ridiculousness.”

“Well, that fits, because these are surely a bunch of whimsical adventures. There is no graphic sex or too much violence, nor strong language, but you say that I sometimes accidentally sprinkle in mild innuendo.”

“Not to worry, Mr. Temperance, for as the subtle subtext often passes over your head and that of young readers, rest assured that the tidbits of titillation are not lost on the more mature of your reading public.”

“Hunh?”

“Never mind, Mr. Temperance. Someday, you will understand. Now then, there is another aspect to your books that potential readers may wish to be informed.”

“Oh, oh, oh! I know what it is! It’s the music, right? I kept wanting to include rhythm, song, and dance. I remember finishing the fifth book, the one with some of my favorite vampires, and thinking back on my favorite scenes. There are some really good fight scenes, throughout that book, but in one fight scene, it is a group of eleven vampire hunters versus eleven vampires, and before they throw down, one of the vampires casts a spell on his team-mates. They perform a ritualistic song and dance number before the fight actually commences. With your kind indulgence, here is a short excerpt.”

From In a Latitude of Temperance:

“Good evening, our unexpected friends. I see you have decided to ignore Count Drauchulau’s gracious warning and have taken it upon yourselves to trespass our sanctuary. How charming. Though we are very busy with other matters of far more consequence than the likes of this unlikely group, We are, nevertheless, willing to indulge in a momentary distraction from our labours to dispose of your interference once and for all.”

“You are mad with your selfish desires, Count Hela Gigalosi. We will not allow this insanity to continue.”

“What reckless bravado, Herr Dagger. Oh, but I am curious. Did you enjoy a pleasant ride on our ‘Mirna’?”

”Hey! We are not that kind of invader!”

“I meant our rocket powered ice skate ship train, Herr Temperance. We have adopted an abbreviated nickname, if you will. ‘Mono Ice Rail Non Arctica’, or, ‘Mirna’.”

“Oh, I get it. That’s cute. I sure am sorry to barge in on y’all, Count Gigalosi, but we just can’t let y’all kidnap our pals and destroy most of the planet. Won’t you all reconsider this scorched Earth policy?”

“Your naiveté is charming Ichabod my dear boy, but I am afraid we must insist. I am also deeply sorrowed that we shall now kill you and your wonderful companions. Aufweidersehen mein friends.”

“Ha, ha! Count Gigalosi, wait! Please allow me to get this party started!”

The dazzling eyes of Count Sezami sparkle with excited mirth. His head and fingers enter into a macabre, and measured counting sequence. This is characterized by a head bob, pause, head bob, pause, followed with a finger snap…

“A vaughn, a two, a vaughn, two, three, hit it!”

I am seized with an irresistible compulsion! Count Sezami has me under a maniacal spell! Not just me, but Insidia Gruessom, and Ruby Leiquour as well! To my horror, Count Sezami has included himself and the four other Counts, ChauckOola, Onyx’Ula, Gigalosi, Fangella, and Baron Leigh. Only Count Drauchulau is immune from the mesmeric effects. With two short steps all eleven of us simultaneously launch ourselves into the air with one knee tucked to our breast and the other earthward with pointed toe. We throw our heads back and extend our hands and fingers as far as they will stretch and land as one, our positioning perfectly aligned in a triangular pattern. Impossible to resist, we crouch and step first the right leg over the left. This awkward maneuver is repeated many more times. Exaggerated two-handed finger snaps accompany this strange ritual. We rise again for a double pirouette and then fall back into our crouched positions.

Count Lank Fangella moves to the front of the group. He sings out in a challenging fashion that rings from the icy chamber walls:

“When you’re a bat/You’re a bat all the way/From your first jugular bite/To these nice people we slay.”

We irresistibly maintain our rhythmic finger percussions as a complicated series of steps carry our coordinated movements back and forth in front of our entranced and enthralled audience. Count ChauckOolaux is the next to be manipulated by the mad Count Sezami:

“When we suck your blood/It’s going to be a treat/Like mini marshmallows in cereal/The taste is decadently sweet.”

With grace and agility, we perform a simultaneous repositioning of our troupe. The boys assume a place to catch Vampyrellah after the rest of us girls launch her skyward with a combined and artistic effort.

With this last little number, we all take a floor hugging bow. To their credit, the invaders provide a respectable amount of applause.

“That was delightful, Count Sezami. You never cease to amaze. I ask you now to dispose of our unwanted guests.”

“Ha, ha! Of course my exalted Count Drauchulau! I shall ask you to sit this one out. Without your imperial membership, I count eleven of us to rumble their eleven member invasion force.”

“Quiet you fool! I am counting! Ha, ha! A vaughn, a two, a three, ah-hahahahaha! Let’s get ’em, boys and ghouls!”

“Oh my Goodness!Thanks, Miss Daley Downing, Ma’am for allowing us to visit!”

“Indeed, thank you ever so much, Daley darling. Mr. Temperance and I must have you over to the nineteenth century sometime, soon, eh hem?”

“Happy reading everybody!”

You can find more details on the 10 books in the series at: https://www.amazon.com/Ichabod-Temper..., and visit Ichabod at http://ichabodtemperance.com/wp/.