A Journey without a Diagnosis – My Anxiety

I am put together.

I am organized, timely managed, clean, responsible, and powerfully working every day to meet some goal I’ve created.

I am also paranoid, stressed, panicked, and struggling, and within the last 24 hours, I experienced two severe panic attacks for absolutely no plausible reason. Granted, I probably have too much on my plate between my jobs, classes, and extracurricular activities, and I’ve never hit such a point in which I thought I needed to reach out for help.

I’ve always had issues like this. I worry too much. I think too hard. I cry when I have no need to. My heart takes off like a rocket trying to escape my chest. I hyperventilate when my breathing should be completely normal. My body tenses up to the point of pain. I feel like I’m choking, or being choked, and my stomach turns to the point of nausea, sometimes leading to unnecessary gagging. I apologize for everything – especially when it is certainly not necessary (I often irritate my dad with it…Haha) I grow paranoid in my worry, and I create scenarios in my head that lead me to a panic, and I don’t know how to slow it down.

Therefore, today, I made the decision to try and find a way to mitigate these struggles I am having. My university offers on-campus counseling services, and I have never before reached out to them. “I’m fine. I’m doing well. It’ll pass.” That’s what I tell myself. Does it pass? Sure, usually, but it always comes back. And I am so tired of experiencing this struggle with only one person to truly talk to. I’m not comfortable taking it elsewhere. Is something wrong with me? That’s how it feels. It’s like losing yourself in your own head and having to swim to some surface that doesn’t exist. And I’m struggling to get there.

Maybe there is nothing wrong with me, maybe it’s in my head. Either way, I have made a movement to reach out and try and find a way to deal with these consistent issues and constant struggles I face.

There are changes I need to make, and this is my first step to finding a way to deal (or heal). From now on, I’m going to try and document my journey to control my stress and my anxiety, and I look forward to seeing what changes I can make.

Until after my first counseling appointment…