First Book Jitters
[image error]“It’s not that big of a deal.” “I didn’t really publish. I only self-published on Kindle.” “It’s a fairy tale retelling, that’s all.”
That’s what I said every time someone brought up the book Of Roses and Thorns that I published on October 3, 2017. After months spent writing, editing, and rewriting, I finally clicked “publish” and sent my baby out into the world.
But as the weeks stretched on and friends bought the book and strangers read it and reviewed it, I struggled with embracing my first published book as an accomplishment.
When my Advanced Creative Writing teacher mentioned my book during our class and asked me about it, I shrugged it off, trying to downplay it as much as possible. When my writing friends asked me about it, I kept my answer general and vague, proving that it really didn’t matter.
Why? Was I embarrassed? How could my first book not matter? Why couldn’t I be proud of all the time and hard work I’d poured into Of Roses and Thorns? Why did I still feel shy and almost ashamed about my writing?
For the past few months, my book has been out there in the world, gathering dust on ebook shelves. During this time I’ve pinpointed the reason why I brushed away any praise or interest in my book.
I’m only a 20-year-old college student, and I know that I am not as good of a writer as I want to be.
But with every day and with every writing or literature class and with every book I latch onto, I’m learning and growing and changing. I’m a better writer now than I was 6 months ago, or even 3 months ago. But I fully plan on working harder and getting better with every day.
But that doesn’t mean that I should be embarrassed or ashamed about who I am now and where I am in my writing. Right now this is where my writing is at and it’s okay that I’ve only self-published one book and shared a few short stories and only just recently started a blog.
I’m a young writer, but I’ve worked hard and I’m going to keep working hard my whole life. I may never be the amazing writer I want to be. I may never be a best selling author. That’s okay. What matters is that I’m writing now. I’m publishing now. I’m dreaming now and I’m turning those dreams into reality.
I am not ashamed of what I’ve done. I’ve done my best for where I am right now. I’ve accomplished something that I can be proud of. And that seemingly small accomplishment propels me to work harder and write better.
Right now Of Roses and Thorns is just one of the first steps I’m taking to establish myself as a writer and an author in a highly competitive world. Self-publishing is not the route I plan on sticking to, but I’ve learned much from this experience. For now, that’s what matters the most.
Many friends helped me believe in myself and my writing enough to publish my book. Years ago, a kind math teacher, Mr. Terrazas, looked my 6th-grade self in the eye and said that I was going places. He believed that I would write, and publish, and do something great with my life. My family supports me through it all. I have much to be grateful for. Above all, God has surrounded me with the love and support of friends. He has given me every opportunity to push myself and go farther than I thought I could.
What about you? Are you a writer? Have you pushed yourself to share your thoughts, your words, your dreams? Have you reached the goals you’ve laid out over the past few years? Or have you felt ashamed for something you’ve accomplished? Are you willing to embrace the fact that you’ve worked hard?
You may not be as far along as you thought you’d be, but you’re on your way.
Whether you are a writer, a reader, or simply a daring adventurer, share your thoughts and experiences in the comments! And, if you are interested in reading my book for yourself, pop over to Amazon and pick up your own kindle copy.
Follow this link to read Of Roses and Thorns.
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Photo courtesy of the talented photographer Raeya Anderson 
