The Fiver | The luxurious carpet of investment whipped from under their feet

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Our city-boy cousin Buy Sell Buy Sell Red Braces Fuel-Injected Convertible Front-Tail Extension Smug Square-Jawed Floppy-Fringe-Covered Extremely Smackable Face Fiver is down on his luck right now. He’s currently living in a wet cardboard box in Kings Cross, with only old copies of the FT for insulation and Berliner-sized copies of Big Paper for food. Yes, he’s yesterday’s man, having lost his job as a result of an allergic reaction to the new plastic £10 notes, which bring him out in a strange white-dotted rash around the base of his nostrils, so he maintains, court case pending. But ever the professional, this sorry predicament doesn’t stop him from keeping up to speed with the latest business news, and only on Monday afternoon he was telling us to brace ourselves for Newcastle United making some major big-money transfers this month, once Mike Ashley sells the club to billionaire-backed investment guru Amand … oh Buy Sell Buy Sell Red Braces Fuel-Injected Convertible Front-Tail Extension Smug Square-Jawed Floppy-Fringe-Covered Extremely Smackable Face Fiver! How could you?

Related: Mike Ashley says there is no Newcastle deal with Staveley: ‘It’s been a waste of time’

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