Blended recovery families take a lot of work
What makes a blended recovery family? It’s parents who started with other partners during their using years and now are in recovery with different partners and a variety of children with their own trauma.
Blended Recovery Families Have Different Issues
I grew grew up in very traditional family as well as having examples of traditional families all around me. I was unprepared for what unconventional relationships would look like after addiction. I met my ex-husband, Jimmie, and had a child in the midst of my illness. My current partner, Cesar, met his ex-girlfriend, Amy*, in the midst of his and had a child. Can we say recipe for disaster? And what does this tell us about the partners that chose us in the midst of our illness?
Our Difficulties Depend On Our Exes
I ask myself these questions often. Life has not been smoothest since my divorce; however this is not due to my ex-husband or his family. Jimmie and I, I believe, are the minority when it comes to couples separating. We communicate well, we get along, we co-parent and put our child first. Hell, Cesar and I even go to Jimmie’s family gatherings with him so that our daughter can see her whole family at once. We realize that while we both played extremely significant parts in each other’s life stories, that our romantic relationship, after I got sober, was completely toxic. Let me make this clear: This is not the norm. But shouldn’t it be?
It’s Not Normal When You Have To Deal With Court Orders
On the complete other end of the spectrum, Amy is full of rage. We have dealt with court orders, literal arrests for her stalking us and the trial that is ongoing due to this arrest, child protection court interventions due to her behavior and so much more. One time, she came to my 12-step meeting and tried to hit me with her car after getting a custody hearing subpoena. Another time she pushed her way into our home, screaming and throwing whatever she could get her hands on. The bottom line is, she is hurt, among other things. My heart does not like to see anyone hurt. It’s difficult and I have so much empathy. The behaviors of active addiction are not easy, she was hurt by them and probably some other life circumstances… and well, here we are. It can’t all be sunshine and rainbows, I guess.
Taking The Higher Road
So what are we to do? The answer, while simple, is not easy, as they say. We take the higher road, every time. This is no easy task. We still only have about 30% custody of Cesar’s biological daughter, even though, nearly two years later, Amy’s mental health has progressively declined despite intervention counseling. We have had our share of endless advocating, court visits and interventions on his daughter’s behalf. At one-point last weekend, after receiving upwards of 200 text messages within the hour that made little to no sense and were just filled with maniacal, rage-filled words, he looked at me and said, “We have to take the higher road. Time and time again, no matter what. Look at how tough Jesus had it.” I wanted to smack him in that moment for being so sugary right. It is exhausting dealing with these behaviors and it would be so easy to make a low-blow. But, how ugly were we in active addiction? Were we ever shown grace?
The bottom line is, no matter what, blended recovery families come with their difficulties. No one goes into a long-term partnership or marriage thinking that one day they won’t be with that partner. They surely don’t do so after having children with them. People grow and sadly, sometimes, for whatever reason, grow apart. Children get caught in the crossfire. And because we are responsible for our behaviors during active addiction, we have the aftermath of something that is hard to mend. Even if it is mended, it’s the broken kind. The kind where you piece something together the way it wasn’t before and make a whole new picture. A beautiful mess, if you will.
Redemption Is Awakening
Some partners are going to be hurt. We have to evaluate how healthy the relationships were in the first place, specifically because two sick people don’t make a whole person. Ultimately, it usually ends up with one person outgrowing the other partner when they have their growth period in life. I call this period my awakening. When I awoke, I took a look around and didn’t recognize my surroundings. I had some serious evaluating to do. We have to remember that this is a family illness, and we all suffer from something and no one is perfect, but two whole people are what form a healthy relationship.
So, the question remains, is it worth it? The answer is a resounding yes. Every time. Through all of this, we get to show our girls what a healthy relationship is. How couples can communicate and solve even the most difficult of problems, if they persist. We couldn’t do that in our previous relationships. I get to show my daughter that sometimes life isn’t perfect, but you can persist and not allow anything to own the rest of your life. You can get back up and fight like hell to take your life back. I get to show my step-daughter that she will always have a stable place to come in times of turmoil…
Most of all, I get to love. I get to love fiercely and unconditionally. Before recovery, I didn’t know what that meant. Today, I get to be my authentic self and love with my whole heart and soul. There are people who don’t understand or agree and that is okay today. No matter how imperfect it all is, there is love. There are times when I look around and am in awe at the love that our messy house encompasses. Through all the emotional moments, messy bedrooms and bad moods, I would choose this life. I would choose it over and over again.
Reach Out Recovery Exclusive by Kellie Walker
*Names changed for privacy
If you are having difficulties with a blended family, check out Recovery Guidance for a free and safe resource to find addiction and mental health professionals near you.
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