Feedback Request

7The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1367 would like feedback on the following version:



Dear Mr. E. Editor,

The gods have always chosen Rilia's next ruler from among the last ruler's children. When King Richard the Sensible died, they tried to choose Princess Five, who was soon crushed under a falling balcony. Then Princess Two drowned. Prince Four choked. And some fatherless youth got trampled by a horse. [If this youth was being considered as the next ruler, King Richard the Sensible was his father, according to the first sentence. How can he be fatherless?]

'Muriel Snick' doesn't know i fit's [if it's] a full-or half-sibling killing for the throne. [How do they know these deaths weren't accidents?] Running seems smarter than going on the murder [victim] list. As the family disgrace, she's never been happy as nobility, [Royalty?] and jumps on the chance [decides] to reinvent herself as a commoner. In the lower classes, her skills as a cook will give her a life, a chance, and happiness she could never get at home... but if she doesn't get out of the country, Snick could still become the next murdered queen-to-be.

A commoner group calling themselves the Truth Seekers may have the answer. Their goals are to take care of the country until someone takes the throne, and find and protect missing nobility--including Snick, if anyone recognizes her. But they've also kept one of the borders open, and are going to send a few hundred scared Rilians to a neighboring country to work in exchange for assistance. They need one more skilled cook, a leader who can work even with bad ingredients and little help. [Preferably a Chopped champion.] If Snick can stay unrecognized, she has a chance to prove she's that cook.

But thrlee [three] things happen while Snick cooks for everyone from farmers to flood victims: she makes friends who don't care about her station. She sees the problems that royalty's long ignored. And she realizes someone could, should, change things. But if she stays, sooner or later, she'll end up dead.

TRUTH SEEKERS is a YA Fantasy, complete at 90,000 words. The somewhat unreliable narrator never acknowledges her real name. [Is it Princess 6?] While this book stands alone, it is the proposed first in a trilogy.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,


Notes

The first two paragraphs are an improvement. The third bothers me. Why do royalty or nobility need to be found and protected by a group of commoners? They should have people whose jobs it is to protect them. Armies or bodyguards. Also, if protecting the royals is their goal, they suck at it. The top royals are being murdered right and left. 

What are these hundreds of Rilian farmers and flood victims being sent to a neighboring country afraid of? 

Why does Snick have to stay unrecognized if she's with a group whose goal is to protect royalty? She's royalty. Can't she just say, I'm Princess 6; can I act as your cook under an assumed name because someone wants to kill me?

This stuff about the border crossing and cooking with bad ingredients isn't needed. Just tell us Muriel signs on as a cook with a group of patriotic commoners, and then go to the three things that happen that convince her she can do more good as queen. What's being done to expose the murderer?

Not sure what the point of never acknowledging her name is, but it's not worth mentioning in the query. Do Princess 5 and Princess 2 and Prince 4 have names?

Surely you have spell-check? Turn it on.