The Trump New Year Resolutions

I resolve to admit that my popular vote total was smaller than Hillary Clinton’s and it had nothing to do with voter fraud

I resolve to admit that the crowd at my inaguration was puny compared to the one at Barak Obama’s

I resolve to show my tax returns to the American people

I resolve to tell coal miners that their jobs are vanishing and I have no way of stopping that

I resolve to admit that I fired James Comey to obstruct the FBI’s Russia probe (oops... already admitted that)

I resolve to show as much respect to former Presidents of the US as I do to Vladimir Putin

I resolve to show as much tolerance for immigrants, racial minorities and the poor as I have for white supremicists and American Nazis

I resolve to stop lavishing praise on authoritarian regimes in Russia, the Phillipines, Turkey and China

I resolve to stop taking credit for economic growth which was well under way long before I was elected

I resolve to stop pretending that being an insulting bully is like taking a brave stand against political correctness

I resolve to honor the First Amendment’s grant of freedom of the press

I resolve to stop watching cable TV that merely props up my presidency and ravages my enemies rather than informing its viewers with gethe pressing issues of the day

I resolve to stop Tweeting about every petty thing that crosses my mind

I resolve to stop strutting and mugging my way over the world stage like a rich man’s Mussolini

I resolve to admit that Mike Pence makes my skin crawl

I resolve to admit that my cabinet and administrative choices has been chock full of swamp creatures with reptillian ethics, appetites, and intelligence

I resolve to throw Jared Kushner under the bus at the most opportune moment (and to comfort Ivanka in her moment of need with a shoulder to cry on and a lap to sit on)

I resolve to allow Robert Mueller to continue his investigations to the end without further interference or ratfucking from me and my minions

I resolve to stop telling lies

I resolve to play less golf and spend more time doing my job

I resolve to make up to my working class voters for the tax cut scam I just pulled on them

I resolve to work with Chuck and Nancy to enact at least one piece of legislation in 2018 based on fairness and decency

I resolve to keep my distance from the New England Patriots and never again try to ensnare their players, coaches or ownership in my deplorable behavior

I resolve to just shut up about football in general since I’ve failed to master it as both owner and fan

I resolve to come clean about all my dealings with Russian oligarchs

I resolve to treat all my employees better than I treated those illegals who helped build and serve my hotels

I resolve to stop keeping phony issues alive like Obama’s birth certificate just for the sake of stoking empty anger and divisions

I resolve to stop making assinine claims like how I made it safe for Americans to say Merry Christmas again

In fact I resolve to stop being an ass. Period.

I resolve to resign the Presidency if I break even one of these resolutions