I didn't realize this was a thing.

The smoking fetsh. How fascinating. I accidentally stumbled into some porn while I was doing wholesome activities on the internet a while ago. That's all I ever do on the internet: wholesome activities. Sometimes, to mix it up, I will do family activities, and when I'm feeling especially crazy, I cut loose and do some safe-for-work activities. It's important for me to have a wide variety of activities to do, else I might just wrap my lips around this shotgun and end it all.

You know, out of boredom.

So there I was checking my church's schedule to see if the Pastor had taken my advice and switched worship from Sunday to a more reasonable Never when pop! cummed a smoking fetish site. Babes scantily clad and smoking. Lots of them. Further exploration revealed a smoking fetish video, which I watched from a purely anthropological standpoint, my penis as flaccid as Michele Bachmann's brain. It was a babe writhing around half naked and smoking a cigarette. Slowly, I turned my head to see if there were Twilight Zone cameras trained on me, but there was just my kitty, sleeping in a ball in a crook of the couch.

I delved further, discovering dozens upon dozens of smoking fetish sites, dozens upon dozens of smoking fetish models. Apparently, there's a class of dudes out there turned on by this so large it fuels an entire industry.

Not surprisingly, I liked the softer stuff better. Sticking a cigarette in a vagina—that's just ridiculous. The softer stuff was just, you know, hot chicks smoking cigarettes, rolling around smoking cigarettes, wearing lingerie and smoking cigarettes. Smoking, smoking, smoking.

They were all very attractive future cancer and emphysema patients.

I got bored pretty quickly, like I do with most porn. They never show the legs or feet enough for me, and foot porn is just overkill.

"We will never show the girl's feet unless that's all we show constantly constantly constantly beating you over the head with a cast iron frying pan made out of Too Fucking Much." —every pornographer since the dawn of time

So I logged off and went and made some tea. I remain an undiscovered market.