funny shapes
The depths of the pain that lay ahead was yet unknown to me. I would have to work through all of that, but right now I was leaving. I was saying No to this. I walked into the darkness. And when I got there I laid down. I stared into nothing and waited. The pain came and I embraced it. It enveloped me, took me over, became me like a bad spirit entering my being as if inhaling a rotten bong of poisonous mist. And, although impossible to see right then, that poison was my elixir for growth. The effect was in my blood, psyche and spirit for years. It never really goes and fundamentally changed me for good. Leaving me with a changed outlook, a new perspective, and a new dimension to my character.
We become more ourselves yet further from our original self.
This is moving on.
The pain can be unbearable. Or sometimes just a low humming depression. Or often a quiet whisper casually reminding you that you will never get better than what you had. That irritating internal little sibling telling you, ‘That’s it, you have fucked it. Forever.’
Unlike real life little brother’s you cant give him a Chinese burn. Short of shooting your brains out, there’s not much you can do to quieten him. And it’s easy for him to convince us we have made a huge mistake, leading to wallowing in nostalgia and getting stuck in regret.
After a while though, irritating internal sibling starts to shut up. Or we learn to ignore him. The pain is being worked through, we are changing, and though we may not know it, we can’t go back. We are new people, things will never be the same. Things no longer click the same. We are a new shape. And we must take our newly shaped psyche’s to new experiences for new fulfilment. The memories and the experiences shaped you but they can no longer offer you anything. You are ready for the new.
The problem is we don’t know this. And we can drag our miserable arses around for years moaning about what we had, what we haven’t got and all that isn’t right.
It’s easy to look back at all the shapes you made in the past and forget the ugly sides, tricking yourself into remembering the beauty of these strange shapes. But there’s always some ugliness too. And there was a reason you moved away from that particular puzzle. It may have taken a long time to break yourself from it, and it’s always good to remind yourself why you did. It had a beauty for a while and then you clicked out of it for a reason.
And now it’s time to let go and be the new weird shape you are. It can be a lonely time, being a new shape with nowhere to go and no longer fitting in with your old jigsaw. You are a floating dodecahedron, lost in space, bumping into things. It may take time, but there’s always pieces that will snap in perfectly if you stop trying to make the same old shapes you used to have. Embrace the new weird puzzles you can make with the other funny shapes around you.
Filed under: life
