If Santa Was Evil…

…then all of his elves would be put into a mincer having been promised jobs. All the naughty children would be hired for the purpose of filling stockings with nettles and pictures of deceased childhood pets. As he took to the skies with his trusty reindeers, rather than leaving a trail of sparkles he would drop all kids of pesticides to destroy life in countless water bodies. Once inside each house he would poison Christmas trees, ensuring all their needles fell out before the youngest began to stir. Mousetraps would be inserted into cards, crackers would be tweaked so that their bang may cause deafness. Every turkey in the fridge would be replaced with an endangered species he had slain on the way while Christmas puddings would be soaked in cannabis oil. The Grinch would be altered so his heart shrivels to the point he becomes a serial killer while It’s a Wonderful Life would end with George beating those kids’ heads in. What sounded like Christmas carols would in fact be incantations to reanimate history’s most rotten souls, and before little Johnny’s head hit the pillow again he would make a vow to be as naughty as possible next year so that he could get into the true Christmas spirit!