Amazon forum post:
Reading the character:
I've been reading samples for several days. Far too many are 'stiff.' Though the story is good, it doesn't flow, it marches. The most common error of all is authors not reading their work aloud. Or at the least, having a program read it to them. (Not the one on the Kindle.) The descriptions of the characters are different, but they all sound alike.
When two are talking, does there need to be a dialog tag every line? Does the reader need to know she reached for it with her right hand? Or he extended his right hand, before they shook hands, unless he sometimes extends his left, or the other didn't shake it?
Unnecessary detail, redundancy, excessive author intrusion and characters that aren't individualized in the way they speak are all common. There's no better way to find all of them than to read your work aloud and listen to it.
If you don't speak the dialog, you know what the character says, but not how it's said. Too often, the dialog tag is an intrusion that loses the feel of the character speaking. The punctuation may say it's the same character, but the feeling of one person saying something isn't there. Is it the author intrusion of the tag, or there's not enough of the character in the character's speech, or both? Try this. Read and record just the dialog, of one character, over several paragraphs, then do another. Do they sound like different people? Is one rather laid-back and the other a bit on the formal side?
This is the most difficult part of 'show don't tell.' Telling the reader his eyes narrowed, he sounded irritated... Notice the word "telling?" Some of this arises because authors want to assure the readers see and hear their stories as they do. Possessive aren't we? We want them to visualize our stories our way. Does it become 'their' story, engaging them fully, if we do that?
Dialogue is action. Dialogue is character identity. Read the characters. Are they speaking, or are you?
Perfect.
Over-use can be as perilous as under-use in identifying who is saying what and how. A writer must find the subtle difference in threading the stitch in dialogue to make the conversation, hence the story, flow.
It is my impression that the "stiffness" comes with a writer not fully engaged with the character and breathing life into the creative space where he/she/it resides. It can be the same dilemma with plot structure...the march as opposed to flow...which I read as impatience in the writer. Not a good thing for flow.
Great essay. You have an excellent point about the "show don't tell" aspect of dialogue.