Dear Author...PLEASE DON'T.......
I don't have a guest today.....I have about a thousand! Taking a cue from a fun post an author friend shared on a facebook group I belong to, I'm sharing a hilarious Amazon customer discussion she found called Author, Please Don't..., wherein the Amazon reader addresses the authors with their pet peeves related to what they've been reading recently. (some posts have been changed to protect the guilty)! I picked out my favorites, but seriously, they were so funny. See how many you might be guilty of, then run, don't walk, to your latest WIP, and make those changes as quick as you can. based on the tone of some of these responses, these readers are NOT messing around. Then leave a comment and let me know which ones bug you too!
AUTHOR, PLEASE DON'T..........
let your herohave a disgusting habit, like smoking cigars (even if he's rich) or chewing andspitting tobacco (even if he's a cowboy)put today's name brands on items. I may want toreread your book 15 years from now!forget about your secondary characters, even ifyou have limited space. Try to have them all as real as possible; it takes awayfrom the overall effect if they're all cardboard cutoutsmake yourvillains one-dimensional, everyone has a reason to do villainous things why notthe ones in books?name your heroes Hunter, Connor, or [insertover-used name here] no matter how much you like the name... if you must use anover-used name go with classics like John, Sam or Robert... you guys arekilling the 'exotic' names by making them common!base your characters (especially in a series)off of yourself, your current husband/lover or a close friend/family member...we can tell and it burns us... we hates it... >_< ...especially when youget divorced and turn the hero you make us love in books 1-4 into a prick weare supposed to hate in books 5-7.write withouta dictionary, thesaurus, and an atlas at your side.make the villians easily identifiable by theirgreasy hair and bad fashion sense.please don´tmake your heroine with red hair!!!!!have yourheroine behave like an idiot and write it so that the hero finds this stupiditycute, winning, charming or adorable. There's a difference between making anerror and lacking any common sense.have your hero behave like a sociopath - if thehero is, in fact, a sociopath, then the heroine should kill him and get on withher lifeuse the wordsbro, sis or buckaroo. No one speaks like that.recycle the same storyline over and over,changing only the names of the characters and location.forget to proofread carefully. forget that not all heroines have to be petiteand blonde with huge breasts. assume that your readers have read all the booksin your series and know the backstory. A little information for those of us whohaven't read the entire series would be greatly appreciated.Please DON'Tuse foreign words or phrases UNLESS you know what you're talking about. Alittle research would be appreciated.have severalcharacters with the same first initial in their name: Cindy and Cissy or Tomand Todd. For goodness sakes, you've got the whole alphabet to choose from.use a name for the heroine which could bemistaken for a male: Morgan, Joey or Danny (believe me, I've seen each ofthese!!).and don't forget to let me know how much time ispassing. Was it a day, a week, an hour? Help me keep up, I can't read your mind.Have your maincharacters make love every night for months without referring to that monthlychallengeHave many bouts of love-making without at leastONCE (for crying out loud) reaching for a wash rag or the proverbialhandkerchief. (It adds to the storyline rather than detracts from it.)Please don't forget to put a little variety inyour love-making, Heroes don't "holdstill" and then relax at the critical moment.)Please do keep track of your time as we aregive your heroa moustache - or your heroine, for that matter.discuss the amount of body hair your heroine hastry to convince me that rape/sexual abuse issexy, and equals a lasting, once-in-a-lifetime lovehave a fightin the bedroom while their naked in bed and then he leaves out jumps in the carWITHOUT ANY CLOTHES ON?make me read the roller coaster ride of a plotyou've put the hero through and then on the last page of the last sentence ashot rings out and then I have to wait for the sequel except it won't come outuntil two years from nowif you're going to do erotic, keep the animalsout the bed and if he/she is a shape shifter, it's not cute to change in themiddle of a love scene, it's just bestiality.flesh out your secondary characters.quit giving me detail descriptions of how to getsomewhere on a freeway across town including the turn right and left thing.give me three sentence love scenes. GAWD I HATETHAT! Especially in erotica.don't jump POV's to the hero's baby momma'scousin (Valencia Williams did that in Hottest Summer Ever)Switch tenses throughout your whole storytalk slang outside of the dialogue in thenarration parthave any more baby momma drama books. (at leastrework it as a surprise to us or something, but vindictive women getting revengeon baby daddy's is not romantic anymore.)Make everyhero a man whore. Sometimes less experienced guys are hot too.Sermonize in your fiction. I don't care if itsvegetarianism, your favorite brand of shoes, or social responsibility. Havingyour character lecture your readers is annoying!Don't forget to include a plot. The days when IRead romance novels for sex are pretty much over. A storyline would be nice.Characters should have some sexual quirks. Notevery character is going to like it the same way.Forget your characters have jobs, lives, andother responsibilities. Sure the sex is great, the hero hot, but don't haveyour character give up everything for their hot significant other.(this is probably a personal peeve, but I'mincluding it). Have too much girl talk. I don't have a clutch of gossipinggirlfriends who dish men, and reading about it is boring. I can't enjoy theheroine if she's acting like a gossiping cat.If you're going to use magick have the characterbe concerned about consequences. Sure its easy to brainwash the neighbor so hedoesn't see you're vampire masquerade ball, but what are the ethicalramifications of using powers without consequence?If you're writing a twenty-five year old collegestudent, don't make her act like a 60 year old matron whose never seen a guynaked. have yourheroine's innocence unrealistic; IMO having her experience her first kiss atage 25 is odd.fall into the habit of the 'alpha male.' A guydoesn't have to be an arrogant bastard to get a girl.have all yourmen be whores and your women be virgins. If nothing else, it's statisticallyimprobable. (In fact, for each book like this you've written, try writinganother with an experienced female and virgin male.)make the reader wait until half the book isover before the hero and heroine even meetmake the hero an arrogant jerk (a man can bestrong without being mentally abusive or controlling)make the hero drink the heroine's breastmilkwrite big sections of history that read like atextbook in a historical romance (I want romance, not a history lesson)write a historical romance and not give the yearset a book in modern times where the hero is oldenough to be the heroine's grandfather, and then treat the age difference likeit's not an issuehave the heroine lose her virginity, then go onto have sex 8 times the same night in 6 different positions (can you sayouch??)make kids perfect angels. Yes, children canbring some of the greatest joy in life, but the also need their diaperschanged, get colic, have tantrums, and, unless you're one of the lucky few,don't sleep through the night from day one.make kids total brats, and their parents toowimpy to discipline themdisregard development charts. Two-day old babiesdo not laugh, babble, or try to crawl.have all women sail through pregnancy. Some ofus actually do get stretch marks and morning sicknessmake the hero and heroine wimps who won't standup to their parentsspend all the time writing sex and norelationship. One or two well-written love scenes is usually sufficient.trick readers by mislabelling your work. If it'serotica, then say so!have the entire book hinge on some stupidmisunderstanding that could be cleared up with two sentences. Please, let'shave some books with real relationship issues!have the hero and heroine bicker like childrenfor most of the bookhave the hero think about nothing else butgetting laid (healthy sexual appetite, fine, but viewing every woman as a sexobject, no).have the hero and heroine having sex two secondsafter they meet.have the hero sleep with prostitutes. If itwould be considered repulsive for a man in modern times to pick up a hooker,why is it okay in a historical novel?make the hero a man-whore. Why won't someonewrite a book where both the hero and heroine are virgins? Believe me, intoday's times with girls reading Cosmo at age 14, they could figure it out andhave fun doing it!give one of the main characters a disability,then have them magically recover by the end of the book. People who havedifficulties with sight, hearing or walking deserve love too! Characters do nothave to be physically perfect.make the hero and heroine unlikeable!neglect to develop a secondary romance, if youput one in. Otherwise it shouldn't be there at all.use the "love at first sight" theme.It looks lazy. Anyone can say that a couple is in love--show us how they gotthere.forget to develop your characters along withyour plot. Lovable, well-rounded characters are what make a story stay with areader long after the book is finished.
Wasn't this the most entertaining? Now, add some more of your own...let me know what makes you stop and scratch your head or just want to pull your hair out!
AUTHOR, PLEASE DON'T..........
let your herohave a disgusting habit, like smoking cigars (even if he's rich) or chewing andspitting tobacco (even if he's a cowboy)put today's name brands on items. I may want toreread your book 15 years from now!forget about your secondary characters, even ifyou have limited space. Try to have them all as real as possible; it takes awayfrom the overall effect if they're all cardboard cutoutsmake yourvillains one-dimensional, everyone has a reason to do villainous things why notthe ones in books?name your heroes Hunter, Connor, or [insertover-used name here] no matter how much you like the name... if you must use anover-used name go with classics like John, Sam or Robert... you guys arekilling the 'exotic' names by making them common!base your characters (especially in a series)off of yourself, your current husband/lover or a close friend/family member...we can tell and it burns us... we hates it... >_< ...especially when youget divorced and turn the hero you make us love in books 1-4 into a prick weare supposed to hate in books 5-7.write withouta dictionary, thesaurus, and an atlas at your side.make the villians easily identifiable by theirgreasy hair and bad fashion sense.please don´tmake your heroine with red hair!!!!!have yourheroine behave like an idiot and write it so that the hero finds this stupiditycute, winning, charming or adorable. There's a difference between making anerror and lacking any common sense.have your hero behave like a sociopath - if thehero is, in fact, a sociopath, then the heroine should kill him and get on withher lifeuse the wordsbro, sis or buckaroo. No one speaks like that.recycle the same storyline over and over,changing only the names of the characters and location.forget to proofread carefully. forget that not all heroines have to be petiteand blonde with huge breasts. assume that your readers have read all the booksin your series and know the backstory. A little information for those of us whohaven't read the entire series would be greatly appreciated.Please DON'Tuse foreign words or phrases UNLESS you know what you're talking about. Alittle research would be appreciated.have severalcharacters with the same first initial in their name: Cindy and Cissy or Tomand Todd. For goodness sakes, you've got the whole alphabet to choose from.use a name for the heroine which could bemistaken for a male: Morgan, Joey or Danny (believe me, I've seen each ofthese!!).and don't forget to let me know how much time ispassing. Was it a day, a week, an hour? Help me keep up, I can't read your mind.Have your maincharacters make love every night for months without referring to that monthlychallengeHave many bouts of love-making without at leastONCE (for crying out loud) reaching for a wash rag or the proverbialhandkerchief. (It adds to the storyline rather than detracts from it.)Please don't forget to put a little variety inyour love-making, Heroes don't "holdstill" and then relax at the critical moment.)Please do keep track of your time as we aregive your heroa moustache - or your heroine, for that matter.discuss the amount of body hair your heroine hastry to convince me that rape/sexual abuse issexy, and equals a lasting, once-in-a-lifetime lovehave a fightin the bedroom while their naked in bed and then he leaves out jumps in the carWITHOUT ANY CLOTHES ON?make me read the roller coaster ride of a plotyou've put the hero through and then on the last page of the last sentence ashot rings out and then I have to wait for the sequel except it won't come outuntil two years from nowif you're going to do erotic, keep the animalsout the bed and if he/she is a shape shifter, it's not cute to change in themiddle of a love scene, it's just bestiality.flesh out your secondary characters.quit giving me detail descriptions of how to getsomewhere on a freeway across town including the turn right and left thing.give me three sentence love scenes. GAWD I HATETHAT! Especially in erotica.don't jump POV's to the hero's baby momma'scousin (Valencia Williams did that in Hottest Summer Ever)Switch tenses throughout your whole storytalk slang outside of the dialogue in thenarration parthave any more baby momma drama books. (at leastrework it as a surprise to us or something, but vindictive women getting revengeon baby daddy's is not romantic anymore.)Make everyhero a man whore. Sometimes less experienced guys are hot too.Sermonize in your fiction. I don't care if itsvegetarianism, your favorite brand of shoes, or social responsibility. Havingyour character lecture your readers is annoying!Don't forget to include a plot. The days when IRead romance novels for sex are pretty much over. A storyline would be nice.Characters should have some sexual quirks. Notevery character is going to like it the same way.Forget your characters have jobs, lives, andother responsibilities. Sure the sex is great, the hero hot, but don't haveyour character give up everything for their hot significant other.(this is probably a personal peeve, but I'mincluding it). Have too much girl talk. I don't have a clutch of gossipinggirlfriends who dish men, and reading about it is boring. I can't enjoy theheroine if she's acting like a gossiping cat.If you're going to use magick have the characterbe concerned about consequences. Sure its easy to brainwash the neighbor so hedoesn't see you're vampire masquerade ball, but what are the ethicalramifications of using powers without consequence?If you're writing a twenty-five year old collegestudent, don't make her act like a 60 year old matron whose never seen a guynaked. have yourheroine's innocence unrealistic; IMO having her experience her first kiss atage 25 is odd.fall into the habit of the 'alpha male.' A guydoesn't have to be an arrogant bastard to get a girl.have all yourmen be whores and your women be virgins. If nothing else, it's statisticallyimprobable. (In fact, for each book like this you've written, try writinganother with an experienced female and virgin male.)make the reader wait until half the book isover before the hero and heroine even meetmake the hero an arrogant jerk (a man can bestrong without being mentally abusive or controlling)make the hero drink the heroine's breastmilkwrite big sections of history that read like atextbook in a historical romance (I want romance, not a history lesson)write a historical romance and not give the yearset a book in modern times where the hero is oldenough to be the heroine's grandfather, and then treat the age difference likeit's not an issuehave the heroine lose her virginity, then go onto have sex 8 times the same night in 6 different positions (can you sayouch??)make kids perfect angels. Yes, children canbring some of the greatest joy in life, but the also need their diaperschanged, get colic, have tantrums, and, unless you're one of the lucky few,don't sleep through the night from day one.make kids total brats, and their parents toowimpy to discipline themdisregard development charts. Two-day old babiesdo not laugh, babble, or try to crawl.have all women sail through pregnancy. Some ofus actually do get stretch marks and morning sicknessmake the hero and heroine wimps who won't standup to their parentsspend all the time writing sex and norelationship. One or two well-written love scenes is usually sufficient.trick readers by mislabelling your work. If it'serotica, then say so!have the entire book hinge on some stupidmisunderstanding that could be cleared up with two sentences. Please, let'shave some books with real relationship issues!have the hero and heroine bicker like childrenfor most of the bookhave the hero think about nothing else butgetting laid (healthy sexual appetite, fine, but viewing every woman as a sexobject, no).have the hero and heroine having sex two secondsafter they meet.have the hero sleep with prostitutes. If itwould be considered repulsive for a man in modern times to pick up a hooker,why is it okay in a historical novel?make the hero a man-whore. Why won't someonewrite a book where both the hero and heroine are virgins? Believe me, intoday's times with girls reading Cosmo at age 14, they could figure it out andhave fun doing it!give one of the main characters a disability,then have them magically recover by the end of the book. People who havedifficulties with sight, hearing or walking deserve love too! Characters do nothave to be physically perfect.make the hero and heroine unlikeable!neglect to develop a secondary romance, if youput one in. Otherwise it shouldn't be there at all.use the "love at first sight" theme.It looks lazy. Anyone can say that a couple is in love--show us how they gotthere.forget to develop your characters along withyour plot. Lovable, well-rounded characters are what make a story stay with areader long after the book is finished.
Wasn't this the most entertaining? Now, add some more of your own...let me know what makes you stop and scratch your head or just want to pull your hair out!
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