Thanksgiving Traditions That Work For Me
The holidays are full of traditions and rituals. Often these give our lives a sense of peace and security, but sometimes they add to our stress and anxiety. For me that is true of having everyone eat at my home. If I host Thanksgiving, my anxiety and stress build up just worrying about what might happen. What if one of my sons shows up under the influence or become intoxicated while at my house?
Ghosts From My Thanksgivings Past
Seeing my children drunk triggers many unhappy memories of past Thanksgivings. Too many times, my husband became intoxicated and yelled at me for no reason. Before I learned about having choices, I simply grinned and beared whatever occurred. I grumbled as I prepared the traditional Thanksgiving dinner everyone expected. Everyone’s favorite dish was on the menu. My codependency came out full force during the holiday season. Often alcohol was followed by arguing, tears, and one or more guests leaving heartbroken and early. I finished the day by washing the dishes alone and resentful. I was exhausted from serving so many people, only to feel trapped in my own house.
With many 24 hours of recovery behind me, I’ve learned to enjoy Thanksgiving. The best thing to do is to have a neutral place for our family get together so I can leave if needed. This way, I’m not judging my adult children; I’m just keeping myself safe because that’s my responsibility. My tradition is different from other families’ traditions, but it works for me. We’re still working out the details for this year’s celebration. While I wait, I create my own recipe for a successful Thanksgiving using the slogans of recovery:
Let Go And Let God
My Higher Power knows the perfect place for my family to get together and give thanks this year. I simply let go and see what happens. This year my youngest daughter decided she wanted to host the family. Last year her sister hosted. I’ll support them, but it is their show. I tell them often how much I appreciate them opening their home to the family. To keep my co-dependency in check, I remember I’m a guest, not a host. This lets me let go of my need of control. Instead, I focus instead of how proud I am to see them putting together their own Thanksgiving. Everything’s going according to plan, it just isn’t my plan.
Don’t Force A Solution
In the past, I forced what I thought was best on everyone. This added fuel to the already tense atmosphere. To avoid past problems, it’s tempting for me to make a reservation at a restaurant. However, that only lets me escape bad behavior and keep myself safe. By not forcing a solution, I’m able to see what others can come up with. Going with the flow keeps me out of the drama. My day stays serene and I am able to offer bits of ideas that the hostess may or may not use. I’m good either way.
Keep It Simple
I only bring dishes I’m comfortable making. I try not to change the recipe either because my children like their food exactly as they remember it. I don’t make healthier versions of their favorite dishes. Nor do I stress over whether anyone will like what I made. Keeping it simple gives me room to breathe and enjoy what others bring.
Do The Next Right Thing
On Thanksgiving Day, there can be a little confusion about what is happening especially if we are in a new environment with new people. I keep my serenity by doing the next right things whether that is washing a dish or walking a dog. Perhaps I need to go for a walk to get away from the noise, or share a happy memory about their father who passed away from the disease of alcohol use disorder (formerly alcoholism). I am sure to stay present so I do what is the best thing for me.
Maybe this Thanksgiving will be a disaster with a burnt turkey and tears over hurt feelings again. Using my recovery tools I know it will be within my control to make it the best Thanksgiving ever for me.
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