If i knew what i know now about bullying
Hello there,
Bullying is a major topic that I am very much concerned about. I have been through it for a very long time with no real plan on how to end it or deal with it in my life. I have faced bullying from the domestic angle, from the workplace and in school and have lots to share with others so that when the signs of being bullied manifests, you can easily detect it and be able to deal with it effectively.
At the home front, the bullying started since childhood, being the 6th born amongst 6 girls and a boy. Our brother was favored by our mum over us for mainly two reasons: 1. He was the only boy 2.Mum has spent so many years giving birth to girls, she was mocked by her family members and my father’s other wives. 3.Thirdly, my brother happens to be named after my mother’s dad. Her father was somenone she adores a lot. Thus, she might have transfered the love onto my brother.
I remember back then, when my brother tries to bully us, or beat us, my father will quickly address him:”Don’t beat my daughters. I love them just the way they are.” Implying that we are very precious to him. my brother will then back up.
At the school front, while in primary school, I had two seatmates, we all lived in the same area, a few houses away. I was always sitting in the middle. The two girls used to occupy the side chairs. every time, the bell rang, those two girls will chase me from school and tried to beat me up. I ran as fast as i could and get home. They go back. How I dealt with it was by running as fast as I could and always escaped. But escapism is not a solution. and their reason for chasing me, I cannot still comprehend or place a finger. I know that I used to do very well academically. Probably that is the reason.
At the university, I got entangled to a lecturer who from inception wanted me as his wife. Even before he met me one on one. What could have drawn him to me. Now, I know better. But, I thought it was love. Maybe he is drawn to me based on the signs he saw that I am capable of being bullied easily. And that was what he did. Even though i was just 16 and wasn’t ready for marriage, but because the pressure was much and the culture encourages a girl my age to get married and begin to have kids, I settled in for me. He was all over me, like crazy. Until he got a transfer to another university and inquired if I would love to change school. As if expecting a no. I said, yes. And that spiraled a new revolution of psychological warfare. Back, then I was always alone. He used to describe me based on what people told him about me that I was a loner. That is another red flag.
When I got tired of the stress coming from the relationship, I confronted the bully to stop and that I needed some space. He got more mad, threatened to take my life if I decided not to get married to him.
My first workplace back in 1998 was a financial services firm. I worked in the Finance and Admin dept in one of the elite States. There was really no issue. Until, one day, my brother walked into my office that mum is asking that I leave work and come back home. There were too many stories that my siblings tell her, lies about me. That day, I was fasting. After hearing my brother out and the allegations against me, OMG. I saw darkness all over the place, even though the sun was out there. The day was darker than the darkest of all nights.
I walked in the next day to my DGM(Deputy General Manager’s office) and requested for a transfer. I got same within days with a huge sum of money as my transfer benefits. I wanted to buy a car but when I got home, I learned that a lady, an unmarried one like myself is not supposed to ride a car at all. Except if she is married. I used the money to renovate my father’s dilapidated family house. That in itself brought about a chain of reactions from my three elder brothers.
But, the biggest threats came from my new boss. As soon as I was ushered through the back door, awaiting to greet my him. He took his bag and headed towards the front door, without saying a word. The one year I spent there was a living hell. Every day came with its new challenge. I was always being accused of things I didn’t do, criticised for dressing expensively, even though the clothes were handed down to me by my elder sister. I regretted the transfer. But, the option of staying with a married younger sibling presented its own challenges. Things, we discussed with her, were things I hear verbatim from my elder sisters. How did they get the information. My sister tells her husband who in turn tells my elder sister as if he heard it from a different source. Finally, the decision was that my stay was no longer welcome. But, my sister was someone I love to death and would do anything for. And felt that she would never betray me. If i told her that I met a guy in a particular place, I get the exact story through another medium without any omission. My friends dismissed my sister as being ‘a basket mouth,” or “envious” of my financial freedom and career since she was a full-time housewife.
Everday, I prayed to never come back to the workplace.I wished that God will provide another work for me so i didn’t have to return back. My appraisal was done badly. Even though, the manager played the role of a good friend, always asking about my mum and siblings(that made me happy, because, I was always a mummy’s girl). I was shocked when my former boss called to inquire if there was any issue between myself and my new boss, and I replied with a capital NO. I confided to my former boss, that we were asked to fill the forms before the appraisal was done, because of limited time. The appraisal documents were returned for the exercise to be done professionally. My manager maintained his former comments.
Every day, I was made to greet the manager as he walks in, then follow him and greet him properly. And also say bye-bye when I close. It was so draining. I was used to a bigger work environment. This one is just a tiny branch. In my former workplace, the MD of the bank and myself and many others could be in the same lift and there was no expectation of greeting. He quietly disembarks and goes to his office. The same when he walks into our department. He walks quietly without any demand for attention. The reverse is the case here. That year, I lost a promotion. The 51 colleagues with whom we all started working were all promoted.
Everybody was scared of the manager and shivered when he passes by. Until, one day, a colleague walked in and addressed the manager over an issue. The manager was quiet. I was shocked that the manager was just an empty threat.
One day, I entered his office and as usual, he started his pranks, that he wants to marry me. That he is building a house for me in the City etc. I told him that I am not interested. Since I joined the bank, they have been pursuing me all over the place. And that he should be ashamed that he is harassing an innocent lady. I ranted and ranted and he kept asking me to keep my tone down. He apologized and apologized.
A friend and my direct supervisor advised that I remain professional and never allow the manager to get his way, telling me how he was always at the house of one of the cashiers everyday evening. And how he always make sure, she gets away with lots of things, pilferage etc.
To be continued[image error]
