You Gave Me What I Already Had, and Then You Took It Away

There is a famous set of experiments carried out by the Russian scientist Ivan Pavlov in which he would present some dogs with food while ringing a bell. He showed that over time the dogs began to associate the ringing of the bell with receiving food. The result was that, if the dogs heard the bell, they would begin to salivate. These experiments were of great interest to a number of scientists and philosophers and proved important in the movement known as Behaviorism. Well I recently heard of a fascinating reverse form of this experiment that some professionals use to train dogs, one that might offer us some insight into the nature of human desire.

To understand the training method let us imagine that we have a dog who always runs to the door when the mail arrives and barks incessantly. In a counter-intuitive move the owner actually rewards the behavior. Everyday the owner gives the dog a biscuit and a tummy rub at the very point he runs to the door. After a little time the dog begins to associate the act of running to the door and barking with a reward. Then, one day, the owner stops giving the dog his reward. She simply ignores the mail being delivered. If the association between the act and the reward is strong enough the dog no longer runs to the door.

This approach is effective because of the way that the owner denaturalizes a pre-existing habit and retroactively becomes its cause. The dog in question had an already ingrained habit, one that had become natural for the dog. But the owner now gets the dog to associate the "natural" act (running to the door) with a reward (a biscuit and tummy rub). Eventually the dog associates the behavior with the attention he receives from his owner. The habit is thus invested with a new level of pleasure and the dog experiences the act as something he does for his owner. So when the reward is no longer given the desire to run to the door dissipates.

This little insight into animal psychology can help us glimpse something fundamental about the nature of human relationships. As adults we have all kinds of interests, desires and hobbies. If we meet someone we fall in love with that person will often take pleasure in these things either through direct participation or indirect encouragement. This is a truly wonderful experience because it enables us to experience the things we already enjoy in a fresh and vibrant way. They are no longer simply things we do because we like them but become things we do because we see how they bring pleasure to the one that we love. Perhaps I always liked going for walks by the ocean. But now that I have someone who takes pleasure in me doing that, and who perhaps accompanies me, I appreciate those walks so much more.

It feels like the one we love has given us the gift of the things we already had. As if they were the originators of that which preceded them. For they give us the radiant gift of enjoying what we already liked or, to put it another way, embracing who we already are. What we feel is most within us (our deepest desires) are now experienced as being graciously bestowed upon us.

There is then an inescapable danger connected to love. For if our beloved walks away they end up taking more than any physical possessions. They take away the interests and desires that were once naturally ours. We can see this in the life of someone who loses a person that means everything to them. In the aftermath of that loss the individual struggles to want or desire anything. All the things that used to make their life meaningful are now drained of color and seem meaningless. Not simply those activities that they used to share with their beloved, but also the things that they enjoyed doing before their beloved took centre stage.

Hence the profound danger of love: the one we desire above all else has the power to take away our ability to desire anything at all.