Rape, #metoo?
©2017 C. Henry Martens
This was posted by a woman on Facebook:
"27 years ago in London... a college exchange program and too many pints led to..."
What?
What does your imagination lead you to think? 27 years ago... and too much to drink, and she still remembers it.
The #metoo phenomenon has recently taken off. I want to participate by being sympathetic. I want to understand the issues. I want to educate myself and inform others. I want to offer comfort to those abused and in pain. But above all, I want to find a best solution so the problem with no reasonable perfect outcome becomes less likely to cause heartache.
In this, I find the victims of sexual abuse reluctant, often vehemently opposed, to allowing dialogue that takes away from the sensitivity they are seeking.
Nothing but acquiescence, in complete silence, by men, seems to be tolerated.
First off... I am a man. I recognize and accept that sexual abuse is largely, everything but exclusively, the result of a problem with the actions of male human beings. The weapon driving this crisis is mainly a penis-driven brain. Doesn't it seem logical that male perspective would be valuable to better results? To begin a learning process and understanding whys and hows and what-not-to-do's?
So to begin with, I've spent a lot of time agonizing over what I've done in my life. And it didn't begin with this present debate. I've wondered if behavior is appropriate for a long time and been shocked by my lack of impulse control on occasion. Most of my friends see me as a pretty insensitive guy, but they rarely delve into the depth of the truths I voice, the intricacies that most people don't think about. We would all be better served if we would consider all perspectives before having a conversation or voicing an opinion, but most people don't do that beforehand it seems. So... I try to do that. I make an effort to listen over time and correlate different perspectives ahead of time so I can offer value. But truths are often difficult to hear, much less accept. I've learned this in writing, that an idea has to be expressed many times, preferably in different terms and contexts before people see the logic... and then, only if they don't place barriers up in defense of what they think already.
So people are reticent to consider an issue from any perspective than their own, and in the #metoo movement, the issue has already been decided using political correctness to exclude male perspective. Well, unless the man's story is as a victim.
Most issues requiring a solution resist being solved because people are unwilling to think differently. In this regard, I find the subject of sexual abuse to be stifled. Stifled and prone to continuing angst because of a lack of dialogue involving both sides. After all, the penis being used as a weapon has a person on both ends.
I reject that men should be excluded from discussion of a male problem. I also reject the growing shaming of men for simply being born male. I reject that “male privilege” has no corollary in or with “female privilege.” And while we're at it, I reject several of the premises that allow those-that-will-become-victims to deny any understanding beforehand.
There has been a wonderful, very short article posted on social media by a woman, Nicole Stamp. She wrote it in response to many men asking, “What can we do?” This link should get you to it if you care to read, and I recommend it.
But do not mistake my admiration of the effort for condoning the inherent misandry of the conclusions. The article is well written and thoughtful but from only one perspective.
I agree with many of the things said, “she'd rather be introduced by her job title and accomplishments,” “Be wary of... telling little girls they are pretty...” (at the expense of smart, kind, inventive... [my words]), and “Use insults that work on everyone rather than insults that specifically target the feminine....”
On the other hand, “If you're having sexy time and the other person stops reciprocating,” abstains from advising a clear message and in fact provides an excuse for the lack of one.
Advising men to indulge in books, TV, and movies that “prominently feature female characters” ignores that those products often enforce the worst of female stereotypes.
Within the article, I found many gender biased suggestions. Still, I found the intent to be laudable. It was just so damn one-sided. In fact, one of the suggestions was “When... you're going to share an article, especially if it's a gender issue, take a minute and try to find one written by a woman.” My take? Try to find one written by a man! Likely difficult. That search will illustrate the level of hesitancy men have for providing a voice, a perspective, and that the male story is marginalized by loud voices insisting that only victims have legitimate claims to understanding.
My point in all of this is that there are reasons men create victims. Not that they intend to as most of the time, it is by sheer ignorance, being oblivious to anything other than their own premature emotions or thoughts. Ignorance is cured by education. The other reasons, right up to the rage some men feel that leads to violence, can be addressed. But not by telling them “the only correct response is to be quiet and listen.” And shaming creates anger as well as unjustified guilt.
I appreciate Nicole's last line, “Thanks for trying to be decent men. We see you.”
But in regards to non-violent sexual abuse, I would suggest sharing a dialogue might be more productive.
We seem to also be forgetting that men AND women have a biological urge to procreate. We are designed for this. But men and women are different. In general, women are more comfortable with rules and social structure, and men are inclined to test boundaries and push limits. These urges are part of our genetic make-up and no more choices than being gay or having five fingers. We can intellectualize this, attempt to give men alternatives to acting out, but in the end, young men will be more likely to misunderstand their initial sexual encounters and form ideas based on what they get away with. This is not a plea for sympathy, or an excuse, but a fact of gender differences. Young women have a lot of power if they are inclined to accept it, and if they are encouraged to wield it. Saying “No” to a boy full of hormonal urges may cool his ardor, but if it doesn't, getting up and walking out or several other strategies will. And in the end, consequences are essential. Education is the only way to give maturing children values and behaviors that we will all find appropriate.
Oh, by the way, that example illustrated at the beginning of this article posted on the internet, ended like this:
“27 years ago in London... a college program and too many pints led to a really good thing! Love you, Matt.”
It's nice to know that some things end well...
Click here to receive the Apocalypse Observer Newsletter in your inbox
www.readmota.com
To comment, scroll down and type in your comment. Under Comment As, you can select Anonymous or Name/URL (you don't need to enter a URL). Then hit Publish.
This was posted by a woman on Facebook:
"27 years ago in London... a college exchange program and too many pints led to..."
What?
What does your imagination lead you to think? 27 years ago... and too much to drink, and she still remembers it.
The #metoo phenomenon has recently taken off. I want to participate by being sympathetic. I want to understand the issues. I want to educate myself and inform others. I want to offer comfort to those abused and in pain. But above all, I want to find a best solution so the problem with no reasonable perfect outcome becomes less likely to cause heartache.
In this, I find the victims of sexual abuse reluctant, often vehemently opposed, to allowing dialogue that takes away from the sensitivity they are seeking.
Nothing but acquiescence, in complete silence, by men, seems to be tolerated.
First off... I am a man. I recognize and accept that sexual abuse is largely, everything but exclusively, the result of a problem with the actions of male human beings. The weapon driving this crisis is mainly a penis-driven brain. Doesn't it seem logical that male perspective would be valuable to better results? To begin a learning process and understanding whys and hows and what-not-to-do's?
So to begin with, I've spent a lot of time agonizing over what I've done in my life. And it didn't begin with this present debate. I've wondered if behavior is appropriate for a long time and been shocked by my lack of impulse control on occasion. Most of my friends see me as a pretty insensitive guy, but they rarely delve into the depth of the truths I voice, the intricacies that most people don't think about. We would all be better served if we would consider all perspectives before having a conversation or voicing an opinion, but most people don't do that beforehand it seems. So... I try to do that. I make an effort to listen over time and correlate different perspectives ahead of time so I can offer value. But truths are often difficult to hear, much less accept. I've learned this in writing, that an idea has to be expressed many times, preferably in different terms and contexts before people see the logic... and then, only if they don't place barriers up in defense of what they think already.
So people are reticent to consider an issue from any perspective than their own, and in the #metoo movement, the issue has already been decided using political correctness to exclude male perspective. Well, unless the man's story is as a victim.
Most issues requiring a solution resist being solved because people are unwilling to think differently. In this regard, I find the subject of sexual abuse to be stifled. Stifled and prone to continuing angst because of a lack of dialogue involving both sides. After all, the penis being used as a weapon has a person on both ends.
I reject that men should be excluded from discussion of a male problem. I also reject the growing shaming of men for simply being born male. I reject that “male privilege” has no corollary in or with “female privilege.” And while we're at it, I reject several of the premises that allow those-that-will-become-victims to deny any understanding beforehand.
There has been a wonderful, very short article posted on social media by a woman, Nicole Stamp. She wrote it in response to many men asking, “What can we do?” This link should get you to it if you care to read, and I recommend it.
But do not mistake my admiration of the effort for condoning the inherent misandry of the conclusions. The article is well written and thoughtful but from only one perspective.
I agree with many of the things said, “she'd rather be introduced by her job title and accomplishments,” “Be wary of... telling little girls they are pretty...” (at the expense of smart, kind, inventive... [my words]), and “Use insults that work on everyone rather than insults that specifically target the feminine....”
On the other hand, “If you're having sexy time and the other person stops reciprocating,” abstains from advising a clear message and in fact provides an excuse for the lack of one.
Advising men to indulge in books, TV, and movies that “prominently feature female characters” ignores that those products often enforce the worst of female stereotypes.
Within the article, I found many gender biased suggestions. Still, I found the intent to be laudable. It was just so damn one-sided. In fact, one of the suggestions was “When... you're going to share an article, especially if it's a gender issue, take a minute and try to find one written by a woman.” My take? Try to find one written by a man! Likely difficult. That search will illustrate the level of hesitancy men have for providing a voice, a perspective, and that the male story is marginalized by loud voices insisting that only victims have legitimate claims to understanding.
My point in all of this is that there are reasons men create victims. Not that they intend to as most of the time, it is by sheer ignorance, being oblivious to anything other than their own premature emotions or thoughts. Ignorance is cured by education. The other reasons, right up to the rage some men feel that leads to violence, can be addressed. But not by telling them “the only correct response is to be quiet and listen.” And shaming creates anger as well as unjustified guilt.
I appreciate Nicole's last line, “Thanks for trying to be decent men. We see you.”
But in regards to non-violent sexual abuse, I would suggest sharing a dialogue might be more productive.
We seem to also be forgetting that men AND women have a biological urge to procreate. We are designed for this. But men and women are different. In general, women are more comfortable with rules and social structure, and men are inclined to test boundaries and push limits. These urges are part of our genetic make-up and no more choices than being gay or having five fingers. We can intellectualize this, attempt to give men alternatives to acting out, but in the end, young men will be more likely to misunderstand their initial sexual encounters and form ideas based on what they get away with. This is not a plea for sympathy, or an excuse, but a fact of gender differences. Young women have a lot of power if they are inclined to accept it, and if they are encouraged to wield it. Saying “No” to a boy full of hormonal urges may cool his ardor, but if it doesn't, getting up and walking out or several other strategies will. And in the end, consequences are essential. Education is the only way to give maturing children values and behaviors that we will all find appropriate.
Oh, by the way, that example illustrated at the beginning of this article posted on the internet, ended like this:
“27 years ago in London... a college program and too many pints led to a really good thing! Love you, Matt.”
It's nice to know that some things end well...
Click here to receive the Apocalypse Observer Newsletter in your inbox
www.readmota.com
To comment, scroll down and type in your comment. Under Comment As, you can select Anonymous or Name/URL (you don't need to enter a URL). Then hit Publish.
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