This is a writer's brain. . . it's exhausting.

I want to write a book. Like actually complete a book. I doubt I can, but I want to try.

*writes book that takes years. quickly discounts accomplishment*

I just want to get an agent. If I could only get an agent . . .
*after years of rejection gets agent*
I just want to sell this manuscript.
*after years of revision and rejection sells manuscript*
I just want decent critical reviews and a handful of readers.
*gets those. quickly discounts same.*
I just want more readers and to sell another book.
*does so. quickly discounts same. lather, rinse, repeat. Often multiple times.*
I just want a starred review.
(*fuck off. still waiting*)
I just want to win an award.
*gets a few. quickly discounts same.*
I just want to win a "real" award. The kind that comes with a sticker on the book.
(*again, fuck off. Who asked you? And see what I mean about discounting same. . . ?*)
I just want to write a book that matters.
*What does that even mean? And anyway, hard to tell. But let's just, for argument's sake, say that a handful of readers' notes could make one believe that maybe possibly they have done so. quickly discounts same.*
I just want to write the kind of book that's unique, that's different, that's never been done, that takes someone's breath away. . .
* . . . *
(I just needed to write that out so I could actually plow forward and write what I'm working on now. . . )

- gae