Depression, Post-Op Style
I seem to be suffering from post-operative depression. This hits a lot of people who go under for even one operation, and I've had three in the last month and a half, with a fourth one on the way.
No one knows for sure what causes post-op depression. Many doctors think it's the stress of the entire process, the pain, the fear, and a side-effect of anesthesia. All four of these have been prominent in my life lately. Some symptoms of post-op depression are:
excessive sleeping or sleeping more often than normalirritabilityloss of interest in activitiesfatigueanxiety, stress, or hopelessnessloss of appetiteI'm showing all of these. Darwin and I had a minor argument earlier today, for example, and rather than go further in the discussion, I found myself shutting down. I stared at the table in front of me for several minutes and couldn't even work up the energy to speak. This isn't the way I usually argue, and my sudden motionless silence alarmed Darwin more than a little. I had no energy, no will, nothing. All I could do was stare. Eventually Darwin took my hand, which helped break through. If I'd been alone, who knows how long I would've sat there.
I lose my temper quickly, and over stuff that wouldn't normally bother me. (Irritability.) I can't write fiction and can't quite bring myself to play my harp. (Loss of interest.) I'm TIRED all the time. (Fatigue.) I'm eating less. (Loss of appetite, though in this case, it's helpful.) And I'm always tense and scared, waiting for the torture, pain, and assault to start up again, as it will do on Wednesday, and it feels like I'll never get my life back. There's no way to recover what I've already lost, either, which upsets me even more. (Anxiety, stress, hopelessness.)
It's gloriously unfair that I have to deal with the worst case of kidney stones in modern history. On top of it, crushing depression keeps slamming me down. It feels like nothing will ever be normal or bearable again. It doesn't help that all this was supposed to end two operations ago, and it hasn't--it's only gotten worse and worse and worse, with more operations piled on more procedures piled on more operations.
My counselor has recommended that I talk to a psychiatrist about medications. Darwin doesn't like the idea--I already take handfuls of pills every day--but I'm so strung out and in so much physical and emotional pain that I'm looking for anything that'll make it better.
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No one knows for sure what causes post-op depression. Many doctors think it's the stress of the entire process, the pain, the fear, and a side-effect of anesthesia. All four of these have been prominent in my life lately. Some symptoms of post-op depression are:
excessive sleeping or sleeping more often than normalirritabilityloss of interest in activitiesfatigueanxiety, stress, or hopelessnessloss of appetiteI'm showing all of these. Darwin and I had a minor argument earlier today, for example, and rather than go further in the discussion, I found myself shutting down. I stared at the table in front of me for several minutes and couldn't even work up the energy to speak. This isn't the way I usually argue, and my sudden motionless silence alarmed Darwin more than a little. I had no energy, no will, nothing. All I could do was stare. Eventually Darwin took my hand, which helped break through. If I'd been alone, who knows how long I would've sat there.
I lose my temper quickly, and over stuff that wouldn't normally bother me. (Irritability.) I can't write fiction and can't quite bring myself to play my harp. (Loss of interest.) I'm TIRED all the time. (Fatigue.) I'm eating less. (Loss of appetite, though in this case, it's helpful.) And I'm always tense and scared, waiting for the torture, pain, and assault to start up again, as it will do on Wednesday, and it feels like I'll never get my life back. There's no way to recover what I've already lost, either, which upsets me even more. (Anxiety, stress, hopelessness.)
It's gloriously unfair that I have to deal with the worst case of kidney stones in modern history. On top of it, crushing depression keeps slamming me down. It feels like nothing will ever be normal or bearable again. It doesn't help that all this was supposed to end two operations ago, and it hasn't--it's only gotten worse and worse and worse, with more operations piled on more procedures piled on more operations.
My counselor has recommended that I talk to a psychiatrist about medications. Darwin doesn't like the idea--I already take handfuls of pills every day--but I'm so strung out and in so much physical and emotional pain that I'm looking for anything that'll make it better.
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