Setting Boundaries with Your Aging Parents–Because You Can’t Do Everything!
Okay, last week I wrote a post on a whim about how parents should really try to help their adult children who will be caring for them one day, by moving closer, getting rid of stuff, and creating a life of their own so they’re not totally dependent on their kids.
Wow. Rarely have I ever written a post that’s generated so many reader stories and comments! This one obviously hit really close to home. And with Thanksgiving (American Thanksgiving, that is) and Christmas just around the corner, we’re starting to think more about extended families and in-laws. So I thought I’d take the next few Fridays (except for my Fight the Frump week that’s coming!) and talk about a few more issues that that article raised.
So let’s start with a super good one: How much is it reasonable to expect that you will do for aging parents?
Before I can answer that, let’s go back to first principles about what God wants from us. One frequent commenter, E, asked me to lay some of these out, and I think that’s a great idea!
Biblical Principles About Caring for Relatives
Our primary responsibility on earth is to our families
1 Timothy 5:8 says:
Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
We are to honour and respect and care for our parents; Jesus even rebuked the Pharisees for giving money to the temple that they should have been using to care for their parents! (Mark 7-9-13).
We are to help each other
Paul writes in Galatians 6:2,
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
However, we are also to be responsible for ourselves.
Paul then writes later in Galatians 6:5,
for each one should carry their own load.
Here’s what’s interesting about “load” vs. “burden”: In the Greek, a “load” is something that someone should be expected to carry by themselves. A burden is something which is too heavy for one person to bear.
What do these three principles say when you put them all together?
First, all of us are responsible to do for ourselves what we can do for ourselves. Nevertheless, people will have burdens that they will need help with. When that happens, we are responsible first to care for the burdens in our own families before we try to carry the burdens of others.
What does the Bible say about what we owe our aging parents? 3 Big Principles: Click To Tweet
Keeping that in mind, then, let’s look at a scenario that was left in the comments with last week’s post:
My in-laws are aging and live in an old home that they are constantly working on. Trouble is, they don’t have the stamina or ability to do as much as they once could. They often mention having my husband come drive the hour and a half to help. But we have our own old farmhouse that needs attention, and multiple young kids who crave time with their Dad when he is not at work! And then there is time to try and connect in our marriage, extra curriculars for kids ( we only have one car) and church obligations. Not to mention we don’t have family who are willing to babysit our kids for a few hours so we can actually go on a date or something. I feel so unchristian but I get so frustrated at the expectation that my husband should be there to help when they are doing things that they are not as capable doing anymore that are not necessities. And the downsizing is key too. We have talked at length at how in the world we are ever going to deal with all the stuff eventually. And as a one, lower income family trying hard to make smart financial decisions, this kind of stuff keeps us up at night. We are often the ones expected to travel for every holiday too to various family members. The gas costs are often a stress for us. We never do live up to the expectations imposed on us and I sometimes wonder if God is so very disappointed in us and thinks we are selfish. [image error]
