Cowboys and Aliens--Or Who Has The Biggest, Er, "Weapon"

So, the movie opens with a close up shot of Daniel Craig waking up, looking down at his hand and seeing there is some kind of weird metal bracelet on it. He tries to whack it off with a rock, doesn't work. A few guys come up to him and try to capture him. He promptly kills all of them without a word. For a while, I was beginning to wonder if we were EVER going to hear Craig speak, or whether they'd decided to make him mute because he couldn't do a passable American accent.

But no, it turns out he has amnesia. Right! And he has no idea what the metal bracelet on his hand does. Until the sheriff sees a wanted poster and it turns out he is "Jake Lonagan," the Jesse James of the movie. As in all Westerns, the hero is really the rebellious, wise cracking, gangster. This film plays with a lot of the traditional Western motifs, and that is fine with me. I like Westerns in general. There's also a spoiled brat white kid whose Daddy turns out to be Harrison Ford. Ford kills a guy early on rather viciously, but that's OK, because he has a heart of gold. No, really. And when the aliens come killing and stealing people, Daniel Craig's weapon pops out, kills the aliens, and Harrison Ford's viciousness becomes an asset because he is going to turn that on the aliens.

I'm going with the story at this point, until Daniel Craig's weapon comes out. And then, I'm like, seriously? Because it knows when aliens are nearby (some of the time), lights up, and then extends and starts shooting, all unconsciously. Sound familiar? Suddenly, everyone wants Daniel Craig, gangster, on their team. Why? Because he has the biggest, baddest weapon of all. I'm not at all sure that the makers of the film understood what they were doing here. Probably not, but honestly, it doesn't matter because it certainly fits the Western genre remake they are doing to a "T." Whether you admit it or not, the guy with the biggest "weapon" is the guy everyone follows in a Western. And hey, I like to see Daniel Craig with his shirt off as much as anyone.

Everyone is trying to get Daniel Craig's "weapon" to turn on and start shooting. The only woman in the movie is hot and doesn't look at all period. But that's OK, because it turns out she's an alien. I appreciated the attempt here to make women more than simply pawns to make men act as rescuers. In this particular case, I feel that there was some serious failure. For one thing, because Olivia Wilde's character is an utter idiot. She follows Daniel Craig around, mooning over his "weapon." She's supposed to know all about these aliens and has come to Earth from across the galaxy to help humans fight them. She knows they are after "gold," but she has no idea where to find them. That's why she has to stick close to Craig. Right! It has nothing to do with the scene where she has to get him to stop thinking so his weapon will open and be deactivated by kissing him. Oh, no! If there is a better scene depicting a man losing his phallus anywhere on film, I'd love to see it.

Anyway, Olivia Wilde now has his weapon. Did anyone have any hope that a woman with power would survive this film? I did not. Instead, she does the womanly thing, and gives herself to save the world. All with us never knowing A SINGLE THING about her. Talk about female erasure. She is a place holder, nothing more. Well, that and some eye candy in the scene where she hops out of the fire naked and Craig gets to put a blanket over her, after a suitable period of ogling.

Oh, I almost forgot my favorite part! The image of the alien space ship. It is a perfect shaft, drilling into the Mother Earth to get gold out of it. I was laughing so hard when I saw the alien ship/shaft pull out of the Earth, blast off, and rise into the sky, erect and long and mean, trailing smoke and exhaust. When it explodes with Olivia Wilde inside, well, I'm not sure exactly what to make of that, except that if the alien girl takes Daniel Craig's phallus, at least she also destroys the really big one that the bad aliens had.

And then there's the attempt to remake the Indians' part in a Western. I have to say, I loved the character of the son-that-should-have-been. I loved the line "I always dreamed of following you into battle," and Harrison Ford's return line, "I always dreamed of having a son like you." But of course, the Indian son dies and the stupid idiot (white) son survives. Because this is a Western, and I remember the name of the white son but not a single one of the Indians who die in large numbers in this film. Have we moved passed Kemosabe or not? I'm leaning toward the latter. At least the Indians make a token show of not wanting to follow the white guy into his insane plan of attack. Until Daniel Craig and his "weapon" convince them.

I had a blast watching this movie, but am still not sure that the film makers knew how funny they were being. In the end, it doesn't really matter, does it. Fun is fun!