Montessori: When is praise harmful?

A rerun from 2008:

I was wondering what Montessori has to say about praising the child?

I've just been reading some Alfie Kohn articles and am a bit confused, as what he says does make sense.. and I am one parent who has been brought up with 'good girl!' and all that, and just do the same with my child..

would appreciate some comments?

Thanks so much,

Warmest wishes,

Rayhana

Hi Rayhana -

This is a great question. In my training - which was very purist Montessori - praising the child was frowned upon, as it robbed the child of feeling self-satisfaction and taught him or her to seek outer approval.

This is definitely a problem in our culture, where the child does not have many opportunities to serve - and so grow in confidence/self-esteem - and becomes dependent on the adults in his life for recognition. As you've noticed with your automatic tendency, we tend to praise in vague terms: "Great job!" And hyperbole: "That's fantastic/awesome/wonderful!"

Kids raised with this kind of habitual input will automatically turn outward to find approval. And our culture is currently way too overindulgent - making everyone "winners" as when every member of a sports team gets a trophy rather than just the outstanding players.

I'm afraid in real life, we've taken away some of the motivation and inspiration to pursue excellence as through the over-feminization of our culture we've tried to make sure no one has hurt feelings.

There is a way to praise children which guides them into self-knowledge and objective evaluation - greater autonomy and less dependence on the approval of others. I found a good description at the North American Montessori Center and I'm going to pass it on because I don't think I can improve on it:

Descriptive praise does not evaluate what a child has done, but rather, describes it in terms so that the child is likely to recognize the truth and credit and praise herself. Learning to use descriptive praise, rather than just compliment or judge, can be difficult, but the payoffs are great. Montessori children become independent thinkers and doers, without having to look to somebody else for approval. They learn to trust themselves and their own judgment. They learn to make corrections or adjustments based upon their own evaluations.

Descriptive praise notices, mentions, and emphasizes steps in the right direction, improvements in behavior, work habits and attitude, social skills, and any absence of undesirable or negative behavior. It can also motivate reluctant or resistant students in our Montessori classrooms.

Descriptive praise has two parts: describe what you see and hear and then describe what you feel.

Evaluative Praise:

* That's a beautiful picture.

* You are strong.

* You're a great cook.

* Great job

* That's fantastic!

Descriptive Praise:

* I like the details you used in your picture. The colors you chose are so lifelike.

* That was a heavy load. Thank you for helping me carry it.

* The flavors in your salad were so crisp and fresh.

* You're using your inside voice. Thank you.

* I appreciate that you didn't interrupt while I was giving my Montessori lesson.

* Thank you for not arguing.

* Thank you for cleaning up when you were asked.

Wise words. This is a step you can take in encouraging your child's healthy independence without even taking an extra minute. Just begin to make your praise more evaluative and meaningful.

So instead of saying, "You are doing a great job being a mom!" I should say: "Your curiosity and eagerness to learn more about being a better mom is going to be of great benefit to your children." :)