The Encounter
I won't deny it. I can't. There's a record. Dozens of people knew about it.
I saw him June 13. Soon he learned the inner workings of my heart. He quickly plumbed the depths of my wallet.
But I never expected this:
I got a bill from this cardiologist and it says: "Encounter 589569 for Elaine With Drake, Patrick MD."
I'm not using his name because I still owe him $21.87. Soap fans will know Dr. Drake's name from "General Hospital."
And speaking of soap operas, Doctor, did you have to call it an "encounter"? What ever happened to plain old "office visit"? Or "exam"? And when you number it like that, it seems so impersonal. Just another episode.
After I opened the bill and finished laughing – which is good for heart, by the way – I wondered how I would explain this encounter to my husband.
I didn't have to. He got a bill from a GI doc for another "encounter."
If that GI specialist had been honest, he would have billed Don for a "total reaming," not a simple encounter.
These medical encounters are an alarming trend. They're pretentious. They're ridiculous. And if anyone ever sues Dr. Drake for sexual harassment, it plays right into the hands of the prosecution.
I can see a lawyer waving that tell-tale bill in court and thundering: "Do you deny, Dr. Drake, that you had an encounter with Ms. Viets? That you made her lie down? That you examined her chest?"
Dr. Drake: "I did, but there was nothing improper about our meeting."
Lawyer: "Then why did you call it an encounter?"
Dr. Drake: "That's the new term. I have a modern practice and I wanted to be up-to-date."
Lawyer: "Let me go back to plain old-fashioned English, Dr. Drake, the kind we're used to speaking. Webster says an encounter is a 'particular kind of meeting or experience with another person, a romantic encounter.' Is that what you had with my client?"
Dr. Drake: "No. Of course not. It was completely proper."
Lawyer: "Even though you saw my client in bed?"
Dr. Drake: "That was for a test. And she was wearing a hospital gown. Angelina Jolie wouldn't make any hearts beat faster in those gowns."
Lawyer: "This is not the time for levity, Doctor. I'm trying to define this encounter. Was it this definition: 'To meet as an enemy or an adversary.' Is my client an enemy?"
Dr. Drake: "On June 13, no, she wasn't."
Lawyer: "Then why did you do it, Dr. Drake?"
Dr. Drake: "I wanted to get away from the old-school image of doctors with black bags back when medicine was more . . ."
Lawyer: "Affordable?"
Dr. Drake: "Less advanced."
Lawyer: "Ah, hah! You admit you made advances to my client."
Let me reassure yout that the real cardiologist was a model of good behavior, and there's nothing wrong with me – nothing that cardiologist can fix, anyway. And I don't believe that the language should never change. Only dead languages, like Latin, stay the same.
But this change was enough to send me off to the local restaurant – which advertised "hand-built cocktails."
Hand-built? As in made by little elves?
Usually I don't see little green men until at least two or three drinks. They come right before the pink elephants.
