Slubgrip Instructs

Worms. Come to attention. I am supposed to be lunching at the Commissariat with my old friend Brace, who I am pleased to say has been promoted to Undersecretary for Anglican Affairs, so it is most annoying to have to be a substitute teacher for you today, and I have no intention of following Boggurgle's syllabus on the temptation of teens. Nothing could be more tedious.



I thought instead that you might pick up a few pointers from my usual lectures on propaganda, errm, I mean education. I have been privileged to spend many years in the department of lower education, and would like to point out to you today the uses of the idea of democracy.



Democracy as such, is simply a method of the hairless bipeds ruling themselves. It is neither better nor worse than any of their other forms of government. When they themselves aspire to honesty, loyalty, fair play, compassion and what the enemy calls 'nobility', democracy is a terrible thing to behold. In such a context they really do share power with one another and seek to rule for the common good. However, like most everything the enemy has inspired, we can quite easily turn it to our advantage.



What you must do dear students, is shift their attention from democracy as a noble form of governance (in that nauseating phrase) "of the people, for the people and by the people" and get them to focus on the idea that the majority rules. Help them to see that whatever the majority want must be true and good in itself. Never let them see that, left on their own, the majority of the brutes are rarely right about anything. Helping them believe that the majority must be right in and of itself will mean that most times they will go along with whatever delightful weaknesses and idiocies the majority endorse.



Unfortunately for us, the enemy's own propaganda machine has been successful in getting the majority to hold views in some matters which are quite odious. You must get your people to overturn them. The way to do this is to introduce various innovations in a creative way. So when we want a particularly pleasing innovation like, for example, no fault divorce or abortion on demand (which the majority probably does not want) get your patients to campaign for it until they can get a majority vote. Get them to use every ruthless tactic in the campaign manual: lies, intimidation, manipulation of statistics, sentimental advertising and even tampering with votes. The cowardly little wretches may shy away from such behaviors at first, but you can tempt them very easily by helping them to see that 'it is all for a good cause.' Don't let them get confused with trite slogans of the enemy's like "The ends do not justify the means." That sort of thing will only muddy the waters.



If they do not get the majority vote on their delightful innovation first time around, they mustn't see that the majority don't actually want their innovation. That might cause them to question the rightness of the innovation itself. Instead you must tell them that the majority need to be educated. They must see themselves as "brave pioneers" launching out to lead mankind to a bright new future. Cultivate the martyr in them my nematodes and slugs. They must see themselves as liberators--the brave few who dare to challenge the hidebound establishment--the courageous souls who think outside the box and campaign for justice and fairness for all.



The enemy will attempt to cast them in the role of bullies and hypocrites. The other side will point out that our patients say they believe in democracy and the "will of the people" while all the time they are bullying the vast majority of ordinary people to accept something they find repugnant. Counter this by pointing out that the enemy's troops are amongst the most hypocritical bullies the world has ever seen. They mustn't see that this is an infantile attitude like the schoolboy who is caught cheating and cries, "But Billy Bunter was cheating too!"



With any luck dear slugs you will get them in a delightful double bind. On the one hand they will say they believe in democracy and majority rule, while in fact they are doing everything they can to push the elitist, overly sophisticated claptrap that we have been feeding them morsel by morsel for years. The result is most pleasing, and if you can pull it off you will know a sense of real satisfaction in accomplishing a little bit of tempting that has a certain finesse, and which will have very satisfying results for our continuing war with the enemy.



For the previous adventures of the demon Slubgrip purchase my book The Gargoyle Code.