Egad! Bill Gates Built My Car
Hmmm, is all the metal, rubber and glass that make up my car just a hollow shell that hides the handiwork of Bill Gates?
Earlier this year I retired my faithful and reliable, 12 year old Chevy Cavalier when the air conditioning gave out. I did my "Lemonade Guide" research and bought a (not quite new) car that got the nod of approval for used vehicles. Little did I know how far the technology that goes into cars has advanced in the last decade – and how temperamental that technology can be.
Three weeks ago my 2 year old, supposed-to-be reliable vehicle started having intermittent problems starting. Turn the key – nothing, nada, zippo, zilch. Just silence. After a few tries, it would finally fire up.
No problem, I say to myself. That's what warranties are for. Back to the dealership I go. Naturally, while they have it in the shop the problem disappears. So they clean the electrical contacts, reassure me all is well and I'm back on the road.
I'm good for three weeks. Then it happens again. Can't get it started at all this time. No problem, I say to myself. Got CAA and still got the warranty. Get her towed in figuring this time they'll be sure to find the problem. You guessed it. In the shop she starts like a charm every time.
What's their solution? They "upgraded some of the computer components" which they think might fix the problem. So I'm left to conclude that my supposed-to-be-reliable car might just be a tiny computer chip surrounded by a ton of just-for-show metal, rubber and glass.
In short, I think Bill Gates built my car and frankly that scares the hell out of me. Now each time I try to start the car I'm expecting an error message to appear on the dashboard: "A dialogue box is open. You must close the dialogue box before the car will start." Leaving me to wonder: "Where's the bloody recovery disk and where do I insert it even if I find it?"
And what if my car gets a virus? It could lock all the doors, lock out the steering wheel and push the gas pedal to the metal. How do I explain that to the police when they find me upside down in a ditch with the lights flashing, the wheels spinning madly and the horn honking hysterically?
My friend down in L.A. will tell me I should have bought a car built by Steve Jobs. Much more user friendly and no virus problems.
I suppose there could be an upside. Maybe I don't need to take my car to the dealership to get it repaired. Maybe I can just call the Best Buy "Geek Squad" guys. They're probably more qualified to troubleshoot the problem than the dealership's mechanics.
Come to think of it, I've never seen the mechanics walking around the dealership. It could well be that behind the service door there are a handful of cyborgs programmed to do the repairs. But who repairs the cyborg when its computer chip melts down?
I'm feeling nostalgic for my old, low tech but reliable Cavalier. But I guess I can't fight the relentless march of technology. It would be nice, though, if Bill Gates et al would figure out how to properly troubleshoot the technology before putting it into production! Might fix the problem is not a particularly comforting thing to hear.
Computerized vehicles are perhaps the defining metaphor of our generation. We're at the mercy of the relentless technology race. The pace is so fast the developers don't have time to get the bugs out of the Version 5.0 before Version 6.0 hits the market.
Wish me luck starting my car tomorrow morning. I think it's a 50-50 proposition at best.
~ Michael Robert Dyet is the author of "Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel" – double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael's website at www.mdyetmetaphor.com or the novel online companion at www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog. Visit www.smashwords.com to download a free preview of the e-book version.
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