Don’t Network Like an Asshole

Almost everyone says you have to network to get ahead. They’re wrong. You don’t network for immediate gratification. You do it for long-term gain. What even is networking? Whatever you’ve heard, it’s not shoving business cards at people and saying shit like, “Let’s do lunch.” And it’s definitely not a prelude to a job interview. Networking is a fancy word for talking. If you don’t believe that, you’re doing it wrong.

In truth, I used to think networking led to book deals, jobs, and all kinds of prizes. In my early 20s, I ventured off to a major writers’ conference every other month to promote my literary journal. I’m not sure what the fuck I was thinking, handing out free copies to every agent I saw, along with pamphlets I designed myself and begged the printers to rush through press. At least 90 percent of my promotional material wound up in the trash. Sometimes, the agents threw them away right in front of me. Or they said “thanks” and just sort of let them leaf to the floor.

Why? Because college literary journals were a dime a dozen. Sure, I was learning valuable skills that served me well later in life. While half of my peers were picking their noses with joints in grad school, I was learning InDesign and interviewing famous writers. But my networking skills sucked, because I tried way too hard. I should’ve just relaxed a little bit, and things would’ve gone much better.

Believer it or not, other people I watched were even worse. A friend of mine came along to some conferences, and she pitched her novel to dozens of different editors and agents while standing in line for coffee. Watching her fail over and over again was painful. Some of them didn’t even listen. It didn’t matter how attractive or polite she was. They were literary agents, and they wanted their fucking coffee.

In fact, there’s rule #1. Don’t ever pitch your book to an editor or agent before they’ve had their morning latte.

We got drunk on the beach that night. She stared at the moon and asked, “What the fuck do I have to do to get someone’s attention?” Well, she could’ve worn something a little sluttier, but that’s not what she meant. You see, looking sexy at a writers’ conference doesn’t get you all that far. If you give off a desperate vibe, it undoes everything else.

That’s the whole problem with how some people approach networking. You can’t get someone’s attention. You either have it, or you don’t. The harder you try, the more you embarrass yourself.

Once, I watched a man stand up during the middle of an editors’ round table, in front of 200 people, and describe his fantasy novel. He asked one editor, “Could you just read the first page?” That’s not networking. That’s harassment. Don’t do that.

Another time, I watched two pretty girls try to rub shoulders with the editor of the flagship academic journal in my field. They complimented the editor’s blazer and said, “Does your journal have an Instagram account? Because we could totally do that. We could be your social media directors.” I could almost see a thought bubble above one girl’s head that read, “Kathryn Genovese, Social Media Director for Prestigious Journal X.”

But it wasn’t happening. The editor just rolled his eyes and walked off.

The best networking I’ve done simply sort of happens. You have to forget you’re “networking.” Just have conversations, especially at conferences. You’re all there for the same reason anyway. Of course you’ll have things in common. Talk about that. Forget the end game.

This one time, I wound up talking about literary journals with a couple of dudes from another university. A few of their friends joined us, and so on, until we wound up at a tavern table with about 10 different journal editors, all at various stages of drunk. We traded a lot of great stories, and many of us kept in touch. No publications or money came from that, but we did give each other advice and teach each other things. So the payoffs were indirect, but important.

That’s how networking happens. For about six years now, I’ve just started with normal conversation. No expectations. The worst that happens is the person turns out to be a blowhard, in which case you go to the bathroom and when you come back, they’ve latched on to someone else. The best that happens is you make an acquaintance. Who cares what they can do for you. That kind of thinking is toxic, and people can smell it.

Finally, networking itself is overrated. Nothing can replace talent, dedication, and consistency. I’ve published in the top journals in my field, and I know all the important motherfuckers in my discipline. (Don’t ask, they’re all boring to outsiders, but I like them.) My point: networking didn’t get me where I am. I didn’t know these editors before I sent my articles or book proposals. They just liked my ideas, and my writing.

Here’s how networking pays off best for me: When I have a question or problem in my research or teaching, I can throw a question out onto Facebook or Twitter and get answers. Those answers help me do my work better. Almost nobody’s in a position to publish you, or hire you. But lots of people stand ready to give you feedback and advice. If you do the same, then you’ve got a nice solid professional network.

You know what’s the best thing you can ever do at a networking event? Give people compliments. About a third of the time, I watch someone speak and then approach them afterward. If I found the talk smart or helpful, I just walk up and shake their hand. I say, “I enjoyed your talk.” I add a specific detail about something I liked. If that leads somewhere, great. If not, I just take a bathroom break and head to the next panel. Compliments are way cheaper than business cards, and they’re more effective.

Honestly, I can’t tell you how many business cards I throw away every year. They’re downright novelties these days. If someone makes an impression on me, I remember their name and Google them on my smartphone. If you have fancy business cards and no searchable website, you’re doing it all wrong. Ditch your cards. Build a website.

Bottom line: Don’t go to conferences and other events to score points or win book deals. Go there to observe and start conversations. That might not sound like networking, but it’s by far the best thing you can do. Arrive with reasonable expectations, and prepare for some disappointment. Not every networking event ends with a warm tingly feeling.