Of Running and Excuses

There are no perfect moments. Sometimes, one just have to confront what's in one's way.
I’ve been bad at writing (and ehem, documenting) my running exploit. I initially thought it was me making excuses, but then last week, I received a reply from an Editor I respected and what she said just made sense.
Since my last post about running in Nagoya, I’ve ran Standard Chartered KL Marathon 2017 (FM), Larian Sukan Sea 2017 (15 km), Seoul Smile Run Festival 2017 (21 km) and yesterday  Orchid Run and Ride 2017 (12 km), but to be honest, I had no appetite to write, particularly about SCKLM 2017.
The truth is, I ran SCKLM 2017 while my father was hospitalized after a second attack of stroke, which affected the major part of his brain. He was bedridden and unable to move on his own. His conditions deteriorated due to complications and two weeks later, he passed away. Since then, running, which was something I was struggling with in the first place, felt impossible. Hence, writing about it was even more of a chore that I rather not do. I felt fake, I felt insincere, and most importantly – I felt selfish.
Selfish, because I have something to turn to in order to tune myself out. Selfish, because the time I take to be outside is akin to shirking responsibilities at home. Selfish, because I’m alive and well, and someone I love isn’t anymore. Selfish, because I know running makes me happy.
I received a private text from a friend who attended by father’s funeral, and she mentioned that she would like to read posts about my running exploits like before. While I appreciated that little note, my heart just wasn’t at the right place anymore.Still, I was determined to fight. Running has been an integral part of myself. So while I contented myself with shorter distances and forgoing my weekly 21 km LSD so that I could visit my father’s grave on weekends before the sun is too high up, I push myself to lace up and just go.
The Editor, when I apologized for not sending in articles for a long while, said that she understood. I didn’t get it at first. Then I remembered that she herself lost her parent just a week before my father’s passing. As much as I didn’t want to pinpoint and make excuses, I guess, deep down I was, I am affected.
I’m not saying that I’ve resolved all these issues. Some, yes, but some, I still carry them with me. While my running has graduall but I’m still fighting some demons. It’s okay, because life is a battle. One day, I don’t have to fight anymore.

For now, I’m in it to win it.