Standing in My Truth by Memoirist Nancy Richards
Posted by Kathleen Pooler/@kathypooler with Nancy Richards
“The secret to happiness is freedom… and the secret to freedom is courage.”~Thucydides
Whenever I think of healing and moving forward from a painful life experience, I think of forgiveness as being an essential part of the process. Yet, what happens when you are not ready to forgive?
Please join me in welcoming Memoirist Nancy Richards who will explore the reasons why she decided to not forgive her mother as she began taking her journey toward healing from the childhood abuse she suffered at her hands. She explores this heart wrenching journey in her memoir, Mother, I Don’t Forgive You.
My reviews can be found on Amazon, Goodreads, LibraryThings and Riffle.
Welcome, Nancy!
Memoirist Nancy Richards
Standing in My Truth
Breaking the cycle of abuse is one of the most important undertakings I have attempted in my lifetime. I knew that breaking the cycle would take more than simply forgiving, forgetting, and “getting over it.” Living a new life required healing from my abuse, understanding my mother, our family dynamic and myself, if I wanted a better life for my children and me.
How did she allow it to happen?
Long into adulthood, I was drawn to my mother, craving and searching for her love. Although I often rebelled against her, on a certain level, I accepted my mother’s blame, denial and the minimization of my abuse. Yet, during therapy, I pondered how I would react if someone threw one of my children down a flight of cement stairs. The thought of anyone hurting one of my kids horrified me. How had my mother allowed this to happen to us? Although it was difficult at the time, turning the corner from internalizing blame to accepting my mother’s responsibility freed me from denial. Once freed, I began to speak the truth and to realize I was justifiably angry. I knew I was angry; but, for the first time, I gave myself permission to be angry.
The Shroud of Silence..
I suffered a huge price for standing in the truth. Taking a stand against abuse is not possible without breaking the silence and exposing injustice. Therein lies the biggest obstacle to creating an abuse free family legacy.
My mother did everything within her power to keep me silent. When she finally failed to keep me quiet she resorted to persuasively discrediting me by telling everyone that I was mentally ill, and a trouble-maker trying to ruin her life. Everyone apparently believed her, while I suffocated under the heavy load of blame, and shame, hopelessness and betrayal.
For twenty-five years, since the age of ten, I stood alone in the truth about my family – trying desperately to stop the abuse. The appearance of normalcy and safeguarding the family secret took precedence over everything else. The secret was more important than me, health, happiness, family or relationships.
Had I known the price I would pay, the losses I would incur, and the isolation I would feel for simply telling the truth, I would have thought twice. However, the truth always has a way of coming out – if not in this generation, in the next.
I worried that my family wouldn’t love me if I broke my silence and exposed mom’s abuse, but in the end, I didn’t believe they would all abandon me. I didn’t know that one by one I’d have to choose between my three brothers, my grandmother and the truth. Still, I told the truth.
My life circumstances challenged me by asking:
Will you tell the truth even when your mother retaliates?
Will you continue to tell the truth even when she convinces family and friends that you are “crazy,” that you lie, that the abuse is your fault, or that it is all in the past.
Will you tell the truth when one by one; family members and friends sever their relationships with you?
Will you still stand in the truth when you find yourself standing alone?
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Societal Expectations to Forgive…
After decades of abuse and finally the heartbreaking estrangement from my entire family, I was left with little more than the societal expectation to forgive. Ouch!
For decades, I had heard from friends, relatives, therapists, and fellow Christians, that I needed to forgive my abusers in order to heal. This advice – and the attempts I made to forgive before I’d learned to exercise personal boundaries – damaged me deeply and left me open to further injury.
I knew there had to be an alternative. I began by reading survivor stories. There were very few during the 1980’s and early 90’s, but for the first time, the validation I received from these stories offered a soothing balm to my injured soul. I was not alone!
In time, I needed more than mutual commiseration. I wanted tips from survivors on how to heal; I needed time to heal, and mostly, I longed for self-preservation, and for permission NOT to forgive.
Searching for My Truth…
I became frustrated with the small availability of survivor stories during that time. The books I found were either the “this is what happened to me,” variety without any blueprint for hope and healing, or the “celebrity” sort of books that irritated me with, “I was abused, but I have forgiven, and now I have a great life,” without showing concrete or realistic reasons/methods for forgiveness or the healing process in between.
I decided to research and write the book I was looking for. A book based on the premise that forgiveness can be premature and wasn’t necessary in order to heal.
I spent weeks at the library looking for books to support my contention that forgiveness wasn’t necessary. After failing to find any examples, I had some modest success when I performed my own psychological research into the possibility of healing without forgiving. The small dose of validation I received that it was okay not to forgive, gave me a huge sense of relief! It also afforded me the freedom necessary to focus solely on myself and what I needed in order to heal.
Over a period of many years, I built a new “family of choice.” Within the protective cocoon of my new family, I was able to walk through the healing process. In the safety of my loving friends and extended family, I shared my story. I expressed my hurt and my anger. With my family of choice, I mourned all my losses, honored my pain and moved forward.
Not Forgiving..
When I finally mustered the courage to buck societal expectations; not to forgive; and to put my own healing and well-being first, I achieved a level of healing that I never thought was possible. My period of NOT forgiving created the space necessary to achieve the greatest emotional growth of my life.
The unintentional by-product of this healing, was – ironically – forgiveness.
Forgiveness is not an event of immediacy. It’s not a bolt of light that brightens the soul and burns the pain to ashes.
Forgiveness is a process; one that we must honor with our own healing timetable.
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Thank you, Nancy for shedding new light on the role of forgiveness in the healing process, especially as it relates to healing from childhood abuse. Your statement, “My period of NOT forgiving created a space to achieve the greatest emotional growth of my life” is a testament to putting your own healing and well-being first.
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Book Synopsis:
After the death of her father, and her mother’s immediate remarriage to a sadistic abuser, Nancy Richards lived a life plagued with physical and emotional violence.
The powerlessness, pain, and torment she endured ate her up. But, the ultimate gut-punch came when she finally mustered the courage to break her silence, and her words were met with excuses for her abusers, and the admonition that she must forgive.
“Mother, I Don’t Forgive You” is a true story of terrifying abuse, and the triumph of healing.
Written with raw emotion and inspirational clarity, this page-turner offers help and hope for anyone who has suffered from abuse, or loves someone who has suffered from abuse.
About the Author:
Nancy Richards is an adult survivor of childhood abuse. She is the author of “Mother, I Don’t Forgive You,” (also titled, “Heal and Forgive: Forgiveness in the Face of Abuse,)” “Heal and Forgive II: The Journey from Abuse and Estrangement to Reconciliation” and co-author of “101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life, Volume 2.”
Contact Information:
Amazon Author Page
Website: Mother , I Don’t Forgive You
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How about you? How do you feel about delaying or not forgiving someone when you’ve been deeply hurt? How does forgiveness factor into your healing?
We’d love to hear from you. Please join in the conversation below~
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Next Week:
Monday, 9/25/17:
“The Gifts of Rejection”
September 2007 Newsletter: Updates, Memoir Musings and Max Moments:
“Celebrating the Autumn of Your Life”
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