Random Nonsense! A Smattering Of Ridiculousness! Jaws 2!

Are there any good frozen meals? I used to partake of the Marie Callender’s offerings, and thought they were very good indeed. Then a switch was flipped, and I didn’t like them anymore. I mean, talk about sodium! Before I was finished with my turkey and stuffing lunch it felt like fluids were starting to build up in my ankles. Sweet sainted mother of Harold Hecuba.

A few days ago I noticed one in the freezer, after a years-long absence, and decided to give it a shot. Pretty good, I must admit. But I know it’s a short-lived proposition. It won’t take long before I’m off ’em again. And I know there’s not really any such thing as a GOOD frozen meal. I realize this; I’m not a complete idiot. But are there any that are surprisingly good? Help me out, won’t you? Sometimes I’m just looking for a quick and easy thing I can pop into the microwave, before leaving for work. Ya know? Steer me in the right direction, my friends.

Yes, I’m offering some of you the opportunity to now lecture me on how easy it is to prepare fresh foods, etc. I’m definitely looking forward to that, as well.

And am I just becoming delicate in my old age, or are car headlights now far too bright? It feels like everybody is driving around with their brights on, at all times. When they’re coming toward me I find myself grimacing and throwing a hand up in front of my face, like a TV detective witnessing a car explosion. An explosion meant for him! But what’s even worse are the cars behind me. The impossible brightness ricochets around inside my vehicle, from mirror to mirror, and it’s a wonder I’m not thrown into a state of disorientation and careen straight through a Shoe Carnival.

What’s going on?! Is there really a need for a military-grade lighting rig to be mounted to every Ford Fiesta and Plymouth Cyst (or whatever)? Hell, when I was growing up, everybody just had two candles for headlights. OK, that’s not true. But it’s gotten WILDLY out of hand, in my opinion. Any thoughts? Have you noticed a change over the past five years or so? It’s outrageous.

Have you ever seen a show on HGTV, called Island Hunters? It’s an offshoot of House Hunters, I think, and features people in the market for an island. A freaking island. Generally, it’s a couple of gay men from an exotic foreign land, who want to open a resort of some kind, and have a budget of $15 million or more. They look at places out in the middle of the ocean with no electricity or anything, and often no structures of any kind. And I sit there thinking: Who’s going to build all this stuff? Where are they going to stay? How are they going to get the materials there? What’s the process for bringing in electricity? It seems like a completely foolhardy endeavor to me, even crazier than those weirdos who buy “tiny” houses. And what’s next? Treehouse Hunters? Houseboat Hunters? Underground Bunker Hunters? Planet Hunters? What’s wrong with, you know, just a house? In a neighborhood? With a reliable lawn service?

Would you ever want to live on a small island, out in the middle of nowhere, with no other inhabitants? That’s the goal of some of the people on that show. They want a place where they will not encounter another human being, ever. I mean, it might sound more appealing to me tonight, after I’ve been at work for a few hours. But… I would have no real desire for something like that. It seems like the pursuit of a madman. Am I wrong? And why do I keep watching crap like this??

A few weeks ago Toney and I had new passport photos taken at AAA. Our passports are about to expire, and it’s cheaper to renew before that happens. However… I won’t allow mine to go forward because the picture is so breathtakingly bad. I know they’re always bad, but this one takes it to a whole other level.

The woman was barking orders at me, telling me to keep my chin down. Further! And no smiling! You’re not allowed to smile! By the time she was done with me, I looked like some bloated double-chin corpse they found bobbing in the ocean. I was howling in protest, but she was not willing to let me have a do-over. She was a hard woman. So, I’m going somewhere else, and just paying a second fee. I mean, there’s NO WAY. I’d be looking at that hideousness for another ten years.

I thought about posting the photo here, but it’s so bad I can’t do it. You guys know I have no problem laughing at myself, but there’s a limit. I mean, seriously. I look like a fat cadaver, who recently died of sadness. I’ll just pay another $15. Gladly.

Finally, I’m watching all four of the Jaws movies on Netflix. They recently added them, and I told Toney I’m gonna watch ’em all. She gave me a look that sarcastically said, “Shoot for the stars!” which was mildly hurtful. But a person has to have his projects, right?

So far I’ve watched the first one, which is great, of course. I’ve probably seen it five times in my life, and twice during the past year. It’s nearly perfect, I think, except for that scene where Quint, the crusty old fisherman, is eaten by the shark. I know it was 1975, or whatever, but it looked like a giant rubber toy flopping around. The special effects were primitive in those days, but they weren’t horrible throughout the rest of the film. That scene, however, is ludicrous. Maybe not Ed Wood-bad, but close. Also, I used to have an issue with the ending. But I’ve made my peace with it. It’s a little comic book ridiculous, but this is Jaws we’re talking about. Not Sophie’s Choice.

And the other night I watched Jaws 2. I’m pretty sure I saw it as a new release, in the theater. But that was in 1978, when I was 15. I remembered nothing about it. I have a sense that I liked it, but you can’t trust the 15 year old Jeff Kay. God knows it’s true. I figured it would be super-bad, but it was better than that. It wasn’t great like the first one, but it was OK. Some of the same actors were back, and the movie was entertaining. The best scene, by far, was when an entire helicopter, with blades whirling and a man inside, is pulled under water by the shark. Man, that’s fantastic. The movie wasn’t bad at all. I keep thinking about it, which means… something, maybe.

I have a feeling Jaws 3 will be an absolute abomination. So, I can’t wait. I also saw it in the theater, as Jaws 3-D. I know it’s terrible, but I’m hoping it will be fun to watch. I have it penciled in for Saturday night.

I’ve never seen the final entry in the franchise, but I think it’s a full-on cartoon by that point. I seem to remember hearing that the shark can read minds by then, and stand up in the water like a fucking cobra. Looking forward to it! Michael Caine stars. For the paycheck, obviously.

I need to get moving, my friends. Another day of “opportunities” awaits.

If you have any opinions on the Jaws franchise, or blockbuster sequels, or movies you loved as a kid and saw again as a seasoned adult, please tell us about it in the comments. I asked some other questions above, as well. I can’t remember what they are, but I’m pretty sure it happened.

Have yourselves a great weekend!

I’ll be back on Monday.

Now playing in the bunker

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