(Everything I Do) I Do It For You

This was the feeling I took to my diary that night as well:   I called it the “swoon”.  Why had I swooned?  And could it happen so easily---just let him touch me somewhere and I’d totally go limp and will-less?  Was this what people meant by butter melting?And why wouldn’t I show him how like butter I was?  Because I was afraid of what might happen then?--Andre Aciman, CALL ME BY YOUR NAME
I was relaxing in Alan’s apartment at SEA COLONY in Santa Monica.  I had letters to write.  The big song on the current airwaves was playing by Bryan Adams (EVERYTHING I DO) I DO IT FOR YOU.   I found a couple of Polaroids that Alan kept.   One was taken earlier this year (February 9th, 1991) of the two of us (Alan and I) at my “center of the universe” pad in West Hollywood.   We were seated on my couch.  We were happy.   
The other photo was a solo shot of me at the beach on June 8th, 1991.  I imagined Alan looking at these Polaroid shots while I was not there.  I wondered what he thought when he looked at them.   It was a momentary thought as I continued to browse my mail.
Dorothy kept to her word by writing a story and expects me to finish it.  Uh-oh…I began to wonder if the main character is me.   I suppose it is something to ponder.  She knew my alias was JAKE JAGUAR at one time (or didn’t she?).  She had to know that.  Could this be a message for my future?   Dorothy wrote convincingly:
9-10-91TAKE ONE AND SEE MT. FUJIYAMA
It was a hot day.   The book was dull.  He was bored.   There were too many of these days lately.   Sure the weather would eventually change and he’d be able to find a book with substance but the words “dull and bored” described his life too often since he’d made “THE” decision nearly two years ago.
His days with Cassandra could hardly be described as dull or boring.  Exciting, the days were always exciting.   That’s how he would always remember them.  He didn’t even have to be with her, the excitement came from knowing she was a part of his life (not a lover).   Oh, the chemistry was there, kept just below the surface, but no physical intimacy ever took place.  Others wondered, of course, because of the closeness they shared.   Eight years of sharing brought them very close.
For most of those eight years, Nathan shares the other part of her life.  Jake never had her all to himself and for a long time, he accepted this.  Until the day she came to him, as they often came to each other, worried she might be carrying Nathan’s child.  Nathan was one who always refused to commit to any real involvement.   Several days later, Cassandra learned she was wrong and need not have worried.   The scare eventually caused her to move-on with her personal life, without Nathan.  It was at this point that Jake decided he also needed to make some changes.  His relationship with Cassandra was no longer okay.  He wanted more and because he finally admitted this to himself it finally became clear that he needed to move.  First he ventured to Boston, then to Chicago and ending up in Dallas.   Why Dallas, of all places?  He was expecting a transfer to New York City.
Boots, cowboy hats and chewing tobacco—not part of his original plan.  Lying on his damp, white sheets he began thinking about his long awaited vacation.  He was headed for JAPAN, then New Zealand and finally to Tahiti.  Thinking about the three glorious weeks ahead made all the other days of the year bearable.
What he needed right now was fresh air.  Jake headed for his favorite café, perhaps the only one with a cosmopolitan air in Dallas.   The fountain with its colored water in the center of the courtyard might help to cool the evening.  He chose iced-coffee over café latter for a change and decided on the fettuccini with shrimp for dinner.   The fresh green salad and bread completed the meal.  As he was enjoying his second glass of iced-coffee he began looking around at the other tables.  Mostly small groups (or others like himself), choosing to dine and people watch alone.  At thirty-five years old, Jake was comfortable with himself and his oneness.  He also felt lucky to have a sizable amount of really good friends was a result of the time he invested in cultivating those friendships (one of his best investments).
Jake was thinking of the evening ahead and trying to decide on the movie he wanted to see, when it began to sprinkle.  Within a few minutes the rain was pouring.  It was at that moment that he remembered he had left the top down on his black Jaguar.  He paid the waiter and dashed into the parking lot.  Just as he finished clamping the top down tight he looked up and through the pouring rain, he saw her.  She was drenched, with clothes against her skin and auburn hair looking darker from the wetness.  With the rain and the dim parking lot lights, he could be mistaken………
Dear Michael,I’ve taken your hand and led you through the tunnel to PARADISE GARDEN.   Now you show (tell) me what’s ahead.  Finish the story! Love, Dorothy
Former Pac Bell Directory co-worker, Gloria Romero, surprised me with a postcard a few days later: 9-15-91Hi Michael!   Thinking of you…how’s everything?  I’m leaving September 19th for New York.  My mother and I will go to see ELLIS ISLAND which is now open.  It’s my third time to New York.  There will be more to see of Manhattan ‘for sure’. George is taking care of RAISIN (the dog) who is 98-years old (dog life).  He’s doing okay.  That dog!  I love her so much.  I wish a dog’s life would not go by so fast.  It is all fine with me.   Do write soon as time passes fast.   This leaves me just 6 ½ years until retirement.  ACO (the Account Collection Office) is the same…more people, more work.Love You,Gloria R.P.S.  A prayer for Mitch…he is very ill.   Try to write him.
I browsed through the L.A. Times and saw that the new film release scheduled this week was another Nightmare on Elm Street sequel:  Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare.   I knew Alan wasn't too thrilled with Horror films (like me), so I imagined us eating dinner out somewhere instead.   I sure wouldn't mind our favorite place:  LOUIS THE XIII.   Let's see what he may be thinking when he gets home.
“IF everyone is thinking the same thing, someone is NOT thinking.”
--U.S. Army General, George Patton