5 Books Someone Should Write

Great ideas for books don’t come easily for some. For others, like me, it’s way easier to come up with ideas for books than to actually write them. If I could live forever, then maybe I’d sit down and write these books. But these days my job and spouse and other things keep me pretty busy. So if you want to write one of these, or turn one into a screenplay or TV pilot, help yourself. Fair warning, though, they might suck and I’m not responsible for what may or may not happen to your career.

Breaking Grad. A young graduate student loses her TA position and funding, halfway through her program. Let’s call her Melanie. The university is trying to cover up a sexual harassment scandal, so they let her go in hopes of saving their reputation. What’ll she do? One of Melanie’s students introduces her to the world of strip clubs. In a classic role reversal, the student has to show the the teacher how to pole dance. Melanie tries to save up enough money to enroll in a rival program, but misadventures keep drawing her deeper into the sex trade until finally she becomes a porn star. Somehow, she uses her connections to get revenge on the lecherous professor who got her fired.Eat, Eat, Eat. A middle-aged man named Michael experiences a mid-life crisis and decides it’s time to finally go on a quest of self-discovery. He quits his lucrative job as a banker, abandons his wife and two children, cleans out his account, and embarks on an international eating tour. Early on, Mike pursues big dreams of trying the cuisine of every culture in the world. But after a few weeks, he becomes fixated on the endless variety of frozen meals in different supermarkets. So he rents a cheap apartment one town over from his family and redesigns his kitchen with wall-to-wall freezers. For two years, he experiments with different combinations of foods and vlogs about it. He also starts posting pictures of his entrees to Instagram. To his surprise, the vlog catches on and he becomes Internet famous. Michael’s mashed potato and gravy stuffed egg rolls go viral. But his Mexican chicken pot pies make him a legend. A publisher contracts three picture books, which all become best-sellers. The Food Network gives him a show. Although Michael supports his family, he never has to see those fuckers again.The Soul Stealer’s Wife. A necromancer dies mysteriously. In his will, he leaves his powers and library of spells to his young wife. Let’s call her Morgana. The wife isn’t just a regular romance. She’s a reanimated corpse that the necromancer brought back from the grave to satisfy his carnal pleasures. His will dictates that Morgana will raise him from the dead after such-and-such time, which she finds amusing. Instead, Morgana begins raising people from the dead who were killed unfairly, and helping them get revenge on their murderers. The village starts to catch on and suspects Morgana killed the necromancer, and a mob comes after her. She kills an important person in the escape. On her way out, she comes across a handful of other exiles who join her. The group goes on a quest, and then Morgana raises an army from a number of grave sites along the way. Morgana returns to her old village with plans of devastating it, but finds a real nasty sorcerer has taken over and enslaved her old neighbors. So she decides to save everyone, and in the process redeems herself.The Motivator. A best-selling author, life coach, and prosperity gospel preacher almost loses his wife in a serious car crash. Let’s call him Brad. He flat-lines in the ambulance and meets God, who decides against sending him to Hell. No, Brad’s punishment involves returning to earth where he’s forced to care for his paralyzed wife. Her medical bills eat away at his fortune, and his followers slowly abandon him. Faced with bankruptcy, Brad decides he has only once choice: He meets with Satan, who offers him a deal. Kill his wife, endure a media circus trial, and enjoy a second career as owner of Breitbart. Brad takes the deal. Of course, his wife doesn’t go to Hell. She goes to Heaven. God sends her back in a healed body to torture Brad. She blackmails him into turning Breitbart into a women’s interest magazine. The blow-back is huge, and a gang of Neo-Nazis puts out a hit on Brad. They hunt him across the country, finally stringing him up outside a dusty hotel somewhere in Arizona. Hell on earth, my friends. Justice served.The Stepford Husbands. A group of genius women from Silicone Valley divorce their husbands and found a new gated community in a remote part of California. They dedicate themselves to developing robotic partners who look and act like the ideal male. Lots of sex scenes. Halfway through the novel, the women start to dream bigger. Why not build an American version of Justin Trudeau and field him as a candidate for president in 2020? They design a man and A.I. program who can appeal to every demographic, even white nationalists. They name him Tyler Williams. Very presidential. When Tyler wins the election, he malfunctions and starts actually believing some of the sexist crap he said during the campaign. The women must design a female companion named Eva, who seduces Tyler and then exposes their affair, leading to an impeachment. Tyler goes on a killing spree, and the female robot has to destroy him. It’s kind of like Frankenstein meets Macbeth, with robots.