Epiphany Part II: The aftermath

So if you missed it last week, you can click here to read Part I of this series, which I refer to as "The Accident".

Each Monday I'll be sharing with you a Kristi ramble about everything I went through and the things I've learned, so I hope you'll join me on my rambling journey!

The Aftermath: What I never expected from the accident was the emotional effect it would have on me in the days to come, the impact and control it would have over my life.

I remember snuggling up to my husband when we finally arrived home the night of the accident, with only hours to sleep before we needed to be up. I sobbed uncontrollably--the shaking your whole body type of crying that leaves you, you would think, worn out. Not me. I cried myself into non-sleep.

For those of you that are new to the blog or don't already know--I am a self admitted control freak. It comes with insane and obsessive characteristics that show themselves at the strangest of times. Like then. I couldn't shut my brain off. It replayed the scene over and over, trying to make sense of it all. The dangerous what-ifs that I tried not to think about ran through my mind anyway. After two hours and some seriously puffy eyes, I got up and took some Nyquil in an effort to get a few hours before the wedding.

At this point, I thought the emotional journey was over. That I'd gone through the bout of emotion that was probably normal for the circumstances and I'd be moving on.

I was wrong.

The wedding was fantastic. It was gorgeous and happy and everything a wedding should be, with the best of family and friends. The accident was a distant memory, out of sight and out of mind.

What I wouldn't realize until later was that it was just a momentary distraction.

Once my Dad and sister were gone and my husband was at work, I found myself alone with my thoughts, just myself and my son and an obsessively clean house. I did everything I could to distract myself but it wasn't enough. I broke down. Bad. More sobbing, chest heaving tears that I couldn't control. My mother got a spastic phone call. I hated myself. I was stronger than this, independent. I didn't understand why I couldn't just get past it and move on.

Epiphany #2 ~ Not everything is controllable.

The accident happened on a Friday night but it would be Monday afternoon before I'd get just what I needed to be able to move on and put it all behind me, but that's next week's ramble, titled "Moving on".

What about you? Are you a control freak too? Ever had anything that made you feel weak and insignificant, even if it didn't make sense?